Jamie needs cheering up because of the state of his relationship with Frankie. And nothing cheers a red-blooded male up more than a game of croquet, with all those swinging mallets and the gentle sound of clunking balls.
Having a child in Chelsea clearly means you get to have 23 parties to mark the occasion during the gestation period. Despite Name Reveal Parties and Babymoons, no-one has thrown Binky an actual Baby Shower yet. So she enlists Louise, Ollie and Steph to do so, complete with a stork, a Shetland pony and probably a bit of bear baiting.
Liv tells Julius that she doesn’t really have any form of opinion about Ella who, as of last week, became his official girlfriend. She does say to him however: ‘When you get boring I’ll tell you o dump the b***h!’ Obviously this is something you’d NEVER repeat to Ella if you were Julius. And so obviously he does just that.
Ella discusses the situation while lingerie shopping with Mimi and Toff. ‘They have sleepovers in the same bed,’ Mimi informs Ella about Julius and Liv. How do you know this, Mimi? Have you been hiding in Liv’s chimney flue again?
Harry and Frankie bump into each other. ‘I’ve been avoiding you,’ Frankie informs him. ‘How come?’ he asks her. Um, because you wanna sex her up, Harry. He asks her what her and Jamie’s relationship status is. ‘We are cruising,’ she says. Isn’t that a bit like dogging?
The boys kidnap JP because when he has a baby he won’t be able to go out again until 2035.
Sam Prince has been relentlessly texting Toff and is so obsessed with her that he’s invited her on JP’s pre-baby night out. Even though she turns up, she is evidently not feeling it, telling Original Sam that Sam Prince has neither ‘game’ nor ‘chat’. ‘He needs shepherding,’ Original Sam tells her. ‘And I could be that shepherd.’
The morning after, the boys are inexplicably jumping into a cold and polluted stretch of the Thames. Original Sam, Jamie and Mytton tells Sam Prince that he needs to delete Toff’s number, get with other girls in clubs and stop messaging her to seem less keen. They then throw him into the river, and the second time he’s still got his towel wrapped around it. This is all very Etonian, but we’ve no doubt Sam Prince goes home later to cry in the shower.
Victoria is slathering icing onto a freshly baked cake. She seems to know what she’s doing which is unnerving because we don’t like to picture her cooking or eating. She is making a cake with Toff for Binky and JP and suggests they write ‘always use protection’ on it which would be wrong yet hilarious. Toff tells Victoria that Sam Prince has been ‘writing essays’ to her and Victoria says that if you like someone it doesn’t matter. She’s baking, she’s dishing out reasonable advice – who ARE you Victoria?
It’s the day before the Baby Shower and Steph and Louise are still yet to arrange catering and livestock. Steph phones a woman who owns a pony and asks if it’s free tomorrow and if so can it be dressed as a unicorn. The answer is yes, although the owner draws the line at spray-painting it, which is pretty selfish really. Louise gets excited because she is small, and therefore will be allowed to ride it – which will no doubt leave Ryan seething with bitter jealousy as he doesn’t like her climbing on to anything but him.
At the Baby Shower, Jamie and Frankie talk about Harry. ‘He’s seen a chink in our armour and he wants to get in our notch,’ Jamie declares, which is not appropriate language for a party themed around the miracle of birth.
In a much more heart warming moment, Cheska returns, marching over a bridge to surprise Binky. Ollie has arranged the reunion and Binky brands them The Three Muskateers. But actually, they’re The Five Muskateers because it turns out it’s not just Binky who is with child (Cheska is, not Ollie).
Sam Prince has strategically placed himself across the lawn from Toff, in her eye-line, where he flings his arm around a random woman to show that he can cheat, betray and devastate like all the other boys. Despite it being Toff’s fault for telling people that Sam Prince’s ability to keep in regular contact has irked her, she tells Sam Prince that she’s done, and dumps him.
A man named Billy Lockett (never heard of him) plays a song and everyone either looks at each other with hatred or wipes a maudlin tear from their eyes.
Mimi and Ella watch Liv and Julius like a pair of furious crows on a telephone pole. As Julius skips off to get drinks, they swoop in to talk to Liv about why she seems to not like Ella. Naturally, every time Mimi pipes up Liv asks her why she has dared to breathe in her presence. This ends with Liv storming off to have a solitary ride on the merry-go-round.
Jamie confronts Harry about his advances towards Frankie. He tells him to ‘man the f**k up’ and then calls him ‘a little p***y!’ Meanwhile, Liv is in the background, going around on the carousel, only able to grasp portions of the argument thanks to the speed of the wooden cockerel she is sat upon.
The season draws to a close with everyone dancing in slow motion, most probably thinking about Ibiza, and what they’re going to wear on their first night at Pacha.