Binky and JP are back from their ‘Babymoon’ which is like a honeymoon but with a child inside one of you.

Scrumbles is beside himself to see Binky but JP ruins the beautiful moment by deliberately restricting the dog from being able to get to her. Is this an insight into his imminent parenting methods?

Binky is lamenting the side-effects of pregnancy; namely that she has ‘no chin’, ‘is 12 stone’ and her ‘thighs rub together’. ‘Are you describing me?’ chortles Ryan, in an attempt to say something funny for the first time…ever. It’s not about you Ryan.

He then takes JP to task on the fact that he has moved in with Louise despite the fact that they aren’t expecting a small child any time soon, while JP and Binky are still languishing in a non-co-habitable union.

Mark Francis has designed a menswear range, remember? Thought not. He requires a model for this, and is utilising the catalogue of men at his disposal. Not Grindr, but the likes of Proudlock and Jamie. Proudlock is deemed too skinny and Jamie would require a toupee, so they settle on JP.

The sun’s out and Harry’s scrawny guns are out. He’s just casually chatting about Frankie and Jamie, having nearly destroyed their relationship last week by falling asleep in the same building as Frankie. Posh Danniella Westbrook pipes up, because she has a bombshell to drop onto proceedings. Apparently, Jamie got with a girl in a nightclub. And Posh Danniella Westbrook PHOTOGRAPHED it, like Miss Marple had she been around during the digital age.

In a well-thought-out bit of editing, Jamie is simultaneously telling Frankie that their relationship ‘looks pretty awesome to people’ despite the pair of them storming out of last week’s dinner party in floods of tears and everyone else continually talking about how miserable they are together.

In an unforeseen twist, Frankie knows all about these photos of Jamie getting jiggy with some random bird. They are allegedly blurry, begging the question why Posh Danniella Westbrook didn’t get her telescopic lens out. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter because Jamie has explained that this woman is literally one of his best girl friends. Yet, she has never been mentioned on MIC before and Frankie – and the nation – doesn’t have a clue who the hell she is. Come forth and show yourself Jamie’s best girl friend.

Toff’s got a real issue with the fact that Sam Prince, whom she is romancing, is STILL A TEENAGER! She hates talking about it – yet keeps talking about it. They eat cake together to sublimate the issue.

Julius’ mother is back, and she’s invited him, Ella and Mimi to sit in her drawing room with her, while she works on her tapestry. ‘Are you exclusive?’ Mimi asks Julius and Ella, as if they are in an episode of Sweet Valley High. ‘I really like you guys together,’ she adds. Well, that’s okay then, thanks for your approval Mimi. Drink your tea!

JP fangirls over Mark Francis when he calls him to ask him to audition to be the face of ‘Mark Francis activewear’.

Posh Danniella Westbrook has arranged a meeting with Frankie so she can show her the photos of Jamie once again. Apparently, when Frankie saw them the first time, they weren’t clear enough, so presumably Posh Danniella Westbrook has been on her PhotoShop.

‘Please don’t get upset because I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news,’ Posh Daniella Westbrook says, being the bearer of bad news. She then proceeds in describing the details of the alleged cheating, explaining that they were doing ‘head in hands face kissing’.

Frankie summons Jamie to discuss the matter and he says that he can’t say that he didn’t peck a girl on the lips, which is a clever way of using a double-negative to throw Frankie off the scent. He then demands to know why Posh Danniella Westbrook didn’t video it, and that because she didn’t it obviously didn’t happen.

Lamenting their disappointment, Ryan and JP go into a corner to question what went wrong – and to talk again about JP and Binky’s living arrangements. ‘It’s not about moving in, it runs a little bit deeper than that, it’s for her, but the baby is the add on,’ is a basic transcript of what JP says, in the most confusing logic ever uttered.

Everyone puts on their fascinators and their baker boy caps and heads to an event where they all get to climb on vintage cars.

Julius (who is apparently wearing ‘a ladies’ shirt’) and Ella are talking about how untrustworthy sweet, angelic, blonde Ella is. She tells Julius he needs to check himself before he wrecks himself and goes off to get a drink.

Posh Danniella Westbrook is brought in to oversee a chat between Jamie and Frankie about what she saw that fateful night. This is how the conversation goes:

Posh Daniella Westbrook: ‘I can’t fathom why you did it.’

Jamie: ‘I didn’t do it.’

Posh Daniella Westbrook: ‘I was watching’

Jamie: ‘I didn’t do it.’

Posh Daniella Westbrook: ‘What were you doing with your tongue down her throat?’

Jamie: ‘I wasn’t.’

Frankie has HAD it. ‘I want a guy who treats me like I’m the only girl in the world,’ she says, channelling Rihanna.

12 drinks later and Julius and Ella decide to be (in the words of Mimi) exclusive. Hallelujah, we can all sleep easy tonight.

Mytton and Sam find Jamie shedding tears over the bonnet of a 1963 Corvette Sting Ray. ‘Why are you miserable again?’ Mytton demands, clearly sick to the back teeth of it.

Turns out, Jamie realises that Frankie ‘wants something that I can’t give her and it sucks’. Could this be the end of the road for these two? Given that they have not once smiled during their time together, perhaps it might be best…

Stop everything! Cheska is back next week, to bless Binky’s unborn child! What a treat!

– A

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