Sam’s upset that his creepy relationship with Louise is about to change thanks to her large boyfriend moving into their home. He’s taking it out on Tiff by smacking her about in the park. She asks him how he’s feeling about Louise and Ryan’s momentous relationship milestone. However, it’s really a thinly-veiled way of exuding her bitterness that Sam hasn’t asked her to move in yet, despite the fact they’ve been dating for about 18 times longer than Louise and Ryan who only met, like, last Tuesday.
‘Is he getting his own key?’ Tiff queries. No, he’s got to throw a brick through the window every time he comes home, Tiff. He can live there but he’s not permitted free access without a signed consent form first.
Meanwhile, Ryan is making sure everyone remembers that he is a very buff man by forcing Louise to unpack his endless supply of boxed protein.
‘Bub, how much protein do you actually need?’ Louise inquires, reasonably.
‘Why are you looking at my protein stash?’ Ryan snaps back, as if he’s caught her scrolling through his internet history.
‘Why are you so cringe?’ Louise responds.
Sam. Move. Out. Now.
Mimi announces that she is morphing into a Brit and that she’s a Canadian traitor, mostly because she has found herself enjoying afternoon tea. What’s not to enjoy, Mimi? Scones slathered in clotted cream and gooey jam? You don’t have to be British to want to fall face-first into three-tiered cake stand of that.
Apparently, Ella was so distraught about Julius not speaking to her at the cricket that she decided to get ‘belligerent’ with Mimi and Harry and have a THREEWAY (kiss) with them.
‘You know how I’m sexual when I’m sober?’ Mimi says. ‘Well it’s so heightened when I’m drunk!’
Suddenly, things have gotten very un-tea-like.
Even though they HATE each other, Julius and Harry are having a beer together, under the heading of having a ‘man to man’. Julius wants to know what’s going on with Harry and Ella, once and for all. Harry manages to worm his way out of that fact that last week he totally c**k-blocked Julius before Ella could so much as wave her turtle-themed love letter at him, and tells him about the threeway (kiss).
Frankie’s still fuming that Tina’s alive and well. And to add insult to bitter bitter injury, she spies her having lunch at the Bluebird with Liv and Posh Danniella Westbrook. Tiff asks Frankie, who also wants to have lunch there, if they’d like to go somewhere else. ‘Yes,’ Frankie says, hoping for a nearby roof with a clear shot for her foldaway sniper.
Toff’s shopping for her big date with Sam Prince, after he romanced her at the cricket last week. ‘Who’s Sam Price?’ asks Victoria, who has forgotten that he once dared to ask her out. ‘Oh that little boy. Oh my god, sweet!’ she says, with the condescension of a thousand queens.
Meanwhile, Sam Prince is asking Jamie for dating tips, which is ironic given the sorry state that his and Frankie’s relationship is in (more of that later). ‘Your chat has to be up to scratch,’ Jamie insists. So we already have an issue given that Sam Prince can’t form full sentences yet. To make sure the date is even more of a disaster, Jamie sends Sam Prince off with a women’s leopard-print blouse to wear.
There’s passive-aggressive tension in the Thompson household, already. Not a good sign seeing as Ryan hasn’t even colour-coded his protein yet. Sam is trying to sort out the TV rota and Ryan isn’t happy with his 3AM – 4AM slot.
Julius calls out Ella on her threeway (kiss) with Harry, even though he left her crying on a wall last week because he didn’t trust her. He then asks if they can get back together. God, make up your mind Julius!
Sam Prince has a Bluetooth headset in his earhole, which he wears for his date with Toff, in order to look like he’s… from 2007, presumably?
‘I may have a few calls coming in. On a serious note you did look great at the cricket,’ he tells Toff, having already ordered her a vegetarian-friendly steak. Little does she realise, Jamie is on the line walking Sam Prince through how to talk to another human. ‘Are you wearing a girl’s necklace?’ Toff asks (which he is).
Original Sam is weighing up the differences between himself and Ryan. Sam likes football, Ryan likes Rugby; Sam likes gaming, Ryan likes Men(’s Health).
Frankie and Posh Danniella Westbrook cross paths by one of those private gated gardens that you find in London, that you so desperately want the access key for. Posh Danniella Westbrook assures Frankie that Liv doesn’t mean to be spiteful in her friendship with Tina, she just likes hanging out with her. Frankie insists that she’s not asking for much – just for Liv to never see Tina again and hopefully run her over in her Land Rover.
Posh Danniella Westbrook then says: ‘You and Tiff are f**king draining her. You’re like – what are those things in Harry Potter called?’
Dumbledores? Emma Watsons? Long wands?
‘Dementors!’ she says, prompting an ‘excuse me you’re f**king rude, whatever I don’t really care about you, goodbye’ from Frankie.
The Chelsea Creeper is out in force. This is Harry, for those who don’t know. He joins Liv and Tina on a strategically placed picnic rug in the park, and is wearing a pink jumper round his shoulders, like all boys should.
What’s THIS? Harry slept in Jamie’s bed last night? Sadly, Jamie was in Dubai at the Forbes 30 under 30 event, making the rest of us feel inadequate and poverty-stricken.
Tina probes Harry for details given that Tina was with him at the time. She is loving every minute of it. ‘Were you flirty, touchy or grabby?’ she demands to know, as if he’s only allowed be one of these sordid things.
Sam Prince’s Bluetooth-assisted date with Toff must have gone alright, because they’re having a second date. Unfortunately for him, it’s a ‘Meet Mark Francis and Victoria Dinner’ which involves the pair of them belittling him for his age and suggesting he has not yet developed into manhood (which is true).
The plot thickens with the Frankie/Harry situation. Apparently, not only did she lure him into Jamie’s bed, she also requested his company the next day too. Harry claims nothing happened, but we can assume Frankie at least crawled into bed with him and spooned him while he slept.
To celebrate moving in together, Louise and Ryan throw a dinner party. But they don’t do it at their house, because that would make sense.
Sam and Louise cry about the fact that, at the ages of 24 and 27 respectively, they won’t be living together, just the two of them, as brother and sister anymore. While this is actually quite heart-warming, it’s probably worth someone else letting them know that it’s really okay and probably for the greater good.
Frankie gives Harry the glad-eye across the room, but it might just be clever editing.
In typical MIC style, a full-blown argument breaks out across the dinner table, with Tina trying to stand up for herself for being friends with Liv. ‘Why are you even talking to me?’ Frankie wants to know. She also wants to know why Tina is sat next to Liv. Tina tries to explain that she didn’t sort out the place settings, but she still can’t speak on this show without someone talking over her, poor lamb.
So – using the only option she has left at her disposal, she casually lets everyone know that Frankie and Harry spooned the other night, sending Jamie into a rage, leading to Frankie having to chase him down a marble staircase in tears.