Last week’s MIC was severely lacking in ‘old schoolers’. So we, the viewers, are treated a a big fat dollop of Originals in the opening scene.

Steph, Binky, JP, Ollie and Louise are talking about how Steph’s got a new dog and can’t bear to leave it’s side. Louise’s part machine/part beef boyfriend Ryan hasn’t come for tea because he is, by Louise’s own admission, ‘antisocial’.

She is telling the others about their recent romantic trip to Paris, during which Ryan’s obsessive compulsive disorder came close to ruining a potential proposal of MARRIAGE after he unpacked his luggage and lined it all up on the bed much like a stock taker in the back room of a Tesco Metro.

One of the items, explains Louise, was a RING BOX.

‘Would you say yes?’ the others ask, with desire in their hungry eyes. Louise says she would, but only if he didn’t propose in front of loads of people because she is ‘a control freak’.

So she’s a control freak and he’s got OCD. Sounds like a really fun trip.

Harry is surprisingly taking about himself. ‘Everyone has me down as this massive player,’ he says, for potentially the 37th time since he first appeared on our screens. The other boys simply laugh in his face because thus far he hasn’t really successfully ‘played’ anyone except Liv who is recently single and bitter.

Mimi reveals that Fred ‘ended things’ with her. Ended? Had things actually even started? ‘I’m a friggin’ catch!’ she proclaims, scanning the hairdressers for another man to seduce, sexuality be damned.

Poor Tina is yet to get a word in edgeways. She’s having drinks on a roof with Julius, Fred and Liv and every time she opens her mouth someone talks over her. Even the waiter. Jamie shows up to have a go at Liv. He tells her he is ‘f**king f**ked off’ and then calls her a w**ker and a ‘f**king d**k’. It’s a beautiful moment.

Ollie would ‘take it anywhere’ (a marriage proposal that is).

Ryan catches Louise riffling through his still-unpacked suitcase which is just sitting on her coffee table. This is a man who takes everything out of his luggage the MINUTE he gets to his Parisian hotel room and lines it all up to stare at it; yet he leaves the same stuff scrunched up in the case for days on end once back home. Explain yourself Ryan. Are you OCD or now? Choose!

Anyway, Louise’s attempts to locate the infamous jewellery box are fruitless when she is interrupted by Ryan and Sam, who have brought her tea to drink from a wedgewood cup and saucer, as is the fashion.

Frankie learns that ‘Tina f**king whatever her name is’ was hanging out with Liv and she is FUMING. Jamie – who is all about blaming Liv for his severely depressing relationship – explains that ‘if the Titanic was sinking and you were on it she’d hop into that boat before you’ much like Rose DeWitt Bukater’s evil mother did in the movie.

Harry is lurking around the bins outside Ella’s house. But she’s on her way to try and patch things up with Julius, so he is unsuccessful in obtaining an audience with her. He does manage to say one of his other catchphrases though – that he ‘wants what he can’t have’.

The series has clearly got a deal with the Belvedere as Liv and Tiff are there, sat at the same table Ella and Posh Danniella Westbrook were at the other week. Frankie joins them to address the small matter of ‘Tina f**king whatever her name is’.

In order to diffuse the tension, Tiff observes that they’re all wearing white, like a trio of virgin brides (even though Liv is in black). Liv bursts into tears at the thought that she has upset Frankie. ‘I would hug you but we’re so far away from each other’ Frankie says, clearly unable to get up and walk around the table. 

Ella is perched on a wall at Holland Park like a woodland nymph, waiting for Julius. Despite the fact that he HAD SEX with another woman while they were dating each other, he informs Ella that he cannot trust her as far as he can throw her.

The exact relationship status of Binky and JP is very much a hot topic around Chelsea this week. Are they or aren’t they a proper couple? JP tells Sam and Ryan that he is intending on ‘having a nice conversation’ with Binky’ about it all. Hopefully ‘a nice conversation’ doesn’t mean he’ll be telling her ‘I’m abandoning you for a life in the circus’.

Oh dear. It turns out that Ryan’s jewellery box contained his new watch. Louise is almost certainly not getting a ring on it.

Sam Prince is still knocking around like a redundant plank of timber. Turns out he fancies Toff and reveals to Jamie that the flirting tactic he plans to use on her is to nod at what she says (because he can’t speak).

Even though Frankie told Liv that if she ever sees Tina again she will tar and feather her, Liv still goes to an art gallery to reminisce with her about how they both used to raise the hems of their skirts when they were at school and nearly got expelled for being slags.

The benefits of growing up in an upper-middle class environment is fully on display at the cricket match. There’s lots of ball whacking and genial applause happening.

Ella has thrown on her Sunday best and come bearing a letter for Julius, which she hopes to give to him in his post-match euphoria. She tells Mimi, who is Canadian so thinks she’s at the polo, that she has signed it ‘lots of love and turtles’. Presumably she doesn’t mean the Teenage Mutant Ninja kind…

JP has his ‘nice conversation’ with Binky and presents her with a sort of 3D family tree in a frame that he has made at his arts and crafts lessons. He has called himself ‘Joshua’ on it, which is his name you see.

Toff seems impressed with Sam Prince’s athletic prowess. He çan hold a conversation and catch a ball at the same time. But that’s because he only knows words with four letters or less in them.

Frankie has Cher Horowitz’ed her cricket attire so that it is now sexily falling off one shoulder. She is LIVID to see that Tina is there too. She and Tina have a ‘friend off’ over Liv. She tells Liv that she’s not allowed to be friends with Tina in front of her and that Tina must never look her in the eye again.

Harry – who was seen actually being semi-decent to Julius earlier in the episode – intercepts Ella and her turtle-themed penmanship before she can even bat an eyelid in Julius’ direction.

He informs her that Julius is going around saying he is relieved he has ended it with her and that he thinks he’s dodged a bullet. ‘This makes me wonder whether or not his feelings for you were genuine,’ Harry observes.

We’re sure it does Harry. We’re sure it does…

– A

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