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Ollie has some important news for parents-to-be Binky and JP.

‘You’re pregnant,’ he tells them. ‘That’s more than just Sunday roast bloat.’

This takes place at an antenatal class, at which Ollie is in attendance, almost as if he and JP are the gay dads and Binky is their surrogate/best friend who is getting on a bit and panicking about not ever being a mother.

Sam Prince is being timed by Proudlock and Jamie on how long it takes him to pick up coffee, croissants and dry cleaning, much like he is a racing greyhound in training. He manages to do it in the allocated timeframe Proudlock was hoping for, only he’s forgotten the croissants and so has to go round the back for thirty lashes.

While this happens, Jamie tells Proudlock that there’s trouble in paradise between him and Frankie (which is less like paradise and more like a two week trip to Corfu with your aunt that everyone hates). Turns out Frankie slept with someone else over the Christmas season (how festive!) and so Jamie either kissed or fondled (we don’t know which) a girl named Tina in return.

‘Why didn’t you tell me this?’ asks a deeply concerned Proudlock. ‘I was embarrassed,’ Jamie says, choosing instead to tell the entire nation on television.

Harry, the new one, may as well be Edina Monsoon from Absolutely Fabulous the amount of times he says ‘sweetie’. He says it to Liv as he runs into her on the street. Turns out these two used to get down and dirty. ‘Do I look different with clothes on?’ Liv asks, the cheeky mare.

Toff decides to get real with Julius about him kissing Ella and then sleeping with somebody else in the same evening.

‘D**k!’ she scolds him, with the finger of judgement held high. ‘That was a monumental c**k up!’

Posh Daniella Westbrook is also not happy about what Julius did. She is telling Ella that she ‘flipped her switch’ AND ‘lost her marbles’ with him at last week’s gig. Ella then gets a phone call from Edina Monsoon, who says ‘hi sweetie, lets have a drink together, yeah, love it sweetie.’

A bitterly frustrated diamond specialist is showing Toff and Mimi a load of £2m diamonds while they titter over-excitedly about them, swear like a couple of dinner-ladies and talk about how they love things that are enormous. If you look closely, a silent tear can be seen welling up in the specialist’s right eye.

It seems that Ollie is gunning to be there when Binky gives sweet sweet birth. He was at the antenatal class and then coaches JP through the procedure by inviting him round for red wine, salted popcorn and a video of a random lady having a child. The facial expressions and noises these two make give us a glimpse of what it would be like if they ever hooked up (it’s hot).

At drinks with Posh Danniella Westbrook and Liv, Tiff is dressed like Hilary Clinton’s communications secretary on a campaign trip to Anaheim. Liv apparently kissed Harry last night.

Elsewhere, Harry (who has the same underbite as MIC alum Kimberley Garner, so they must be related) meets Ella for a drink.

It’s all very vampiric – dark tavern, black clothing, waxy low-lit candles. Either he’s about to try and romance her or they’re about to sacrifice a goat. He insists he has changed and is no longer a creepy, smirking love rat (which is obviously a lie given that last night he was licking Liv’s tongue with his own).

‘The chemistry we have together is undeniable and you know it,’ Harry tells Ella, reading from page 29 of his ‘Cliché Things To Say To Women’ manual.

At the diamond party (sponsored by society publication The Lady) the girls are desperately hoping a man – any man – will whip out their chequebook and buy them a lil’ somethin’ somethin’. The only one who might be likely to do it is Mark Francis and if he’s buying diamonds, let’s face it, they’re for himself.

JP tells Binky that Ollie showed him a film of a woman giving birth. ‘Oh, what, Bridget Jones’ Diary?’ Binky asks, delightfully naïve.

Proudlock’s wearing a diamond dangling earring and we all pray it’s meant to be a joke.

Julius grovels to Ella after he slept with a woman that wasn’t her. He then warns her off Harry. ‘I’ve heard he gets with two girls a night!’ he informs her. ‘Oh so he does what you do then?’ Ella hits back, while every girl around the UK snaps their fingers and goes ‘Mmmmm Hmmmm!’ Julius then insists that he doesn’t find Harry a threat, whilst looking really threatened.

They then go and join Harry and Liv and have a very passive aggressive chat about how Harry has been taking Ella on ‘Interview With The Vampire’-themed dates and kissing Liv at the same time. Harry observes that Julius and Ella have ‘unnatural chemistry’ and Julius calls him arrogant before storming off to try on a 17th century tiara.

Sam and Jamie make friends. But Jamie’s troubles are far from over as he has a chat with Frankie about their latest spat AKA Tina. ‘I can promise you, on everything, it was nothing,’ Jamie assures Frankie of the fondling/kissing situation. Obviously this means that next week… cue Tina! Marvellous!

– A

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