Who is THIS driving though Chelsea in a sports car? His hair is flopping around all over his face, he’s wearing a grey three piece suit and he’s parking on double yellows. His name is Harry. We know this because one of the first things he says is ‘Harry and women just go together’ (which probably means they don’t).
Sam isn’t doing much to deflate this new person’s overly large opinion of himself. ‘I want to live vicariously through you,’ he gushes.
But hang on a second. Hang on a naughty little second. Hold the phone. Harry is the person who KISSED Tiff behind Sam’s back! Why are you being so nice to him Sam? You need to pick up that Fosters and chuck it into his wavy, voluminous hair.
To be fair, Harry has more of a personality than Sam Prince (aka Sam 2.0) who cropped up last week and is now playing golf with Jamie. Within seconds he has told Jamie his chipping method ‘is beaut’.
Sam Prince’s handicap is 3 it turns out, which is because he was raised on a golf course where he slept in the undergrowth and fed on berries and divots. These two discuss Original Sam’s visit to Candy Kittens HQ last week and Sam 2.0 has the AUDACITY to call it ‘laughable’ that Original Sam walked in like he owned the place. Um, sorry, Sam 2.0. Who the HELL are you to say that about Original Sam? Get back to us when your handicap is a 2!
Ella is meeting Julius’ mother (whose name is CRYSTAL!) and she approves of Ella’s ability to have blonde hair because Julius usually goes for brunettes apparently (Binky). All Ella needs to do is tell Crystal that she’s pretty and she gets an all expenses paid invitation to their house in Kent, with free rein to frolic on the back lawns with the springer spaniels Bitsy and Shamu (those names are made up).
Mimi’s borrowed her cousin’s tennis outfit to play with Fred (tennis) Toff and Francis. She admits that she’s not that great at it and that she’ll probably have to throw herself onto Fred at some point during the match.
It’s okay, everyone. Binky is STILL pregnant. ‘It’s cooking away in there,’ she assures Liv and Louise.
Liv calls Mimi a bell-end and Binky says Mimi is ‘a horrible individual’. However, Mimi meanwhile is telling Fred how bad she is feeling about all the drama. And then invites him to walk around a museum with her (presumably to make herself feel even worse).
She is then introduced to Mark Francis – who is now a fashion designer. She’s come for advice on Fred. ‘Who?’ asks Mark Francis. ‘Oh the one with your hair!’ he jests. Mark Francis’ advice to Mimi is to steer clear. ‘You don’t want second hand goods!’ he states, undressing her with his eyes.
Posh Daniella Westbrook says to Ella that she’s happy about her and Julius, which she doesn’t mean because Julius mugged her off in Mauritius. She also warns her to keep ‘a strong head’ with him.
Turns out she’s got a keen eye, because Julius is meanwhile telling Fred that he hooked up with another girl the other night, AFTER he’d been out with Ella. My my, Julius, we didn’t know you were like this. He tells Fred all about it between strums on his guitar, which Fred quickly puts a stop to by advising him to tell her ‘before someone else does’ (him?)
By sheer coincidence, Liv, Louise and Tiff have popped into a spa round the corner (in Surrey!) at the same time Mimi, Ella, Julius and Fred have chosen to have some kind of four-way hot tub date. Everyone’s either shirtless or scantily clad, so this is either about to turn into an orgy or the cat’s going to be chucked amongst the pigeons.
It’s the latter: Liv starts to cry and calls herself ‘a wet wipe’ and Julius simultaneously informs Ella that he did ‘the whole shebang’ with another lady the other evening. Ella’s dignified response is ‘ewww’ which she follows with ‘I don’t want to hang out anymore’ before sauntering off to the main pool to wash away her sins.
Mark Francis asks the question everyone’s been wondering since Donald Trump came into power: ‘How do you feel about slightly translucent cottons?’
New Harry stumbles across Francis, Jamie and Sam 2.0. He actually looks like he’s walked in with Spencer Matthews for a moment and the nation gets a little bit excited about that – but he didn’t and it’s not. New Harry has a go at Jamie RE: Original Sam, while Francis mediates and Sam 2.0 stares vacantly at the flying buttresses.
Comfy dressing gowns on, Louise, Julius, Liv and Fred hold a summit in the spa’s quiet room to address the elephant in the room aka the Mimi in the hot tub. Julius and Fred can’t understand why Liv’s upset about them frolicking in the bubbly waters with Mimi right under her distressed nose.
There’s a REALLY bad gig happening with a Harry Styles lookalike singer. Everyone has been told to wear jaunty sports jackets and look like they’re enjoying it.
Liv tells Julius to ‘think about what he’s done’ and Posh Daniella Westbrook calls him ‘a prat’. This then escalates beautifully. ‘It’s dirty, it’s dirty, it’s rank!’ spits Posh Daniella Westbrook and Julius comes back with ‘why are you in my life?’ It’s stunning.
Francis reports to Mimi that word on the street, via Liv, is that she’s ‘an easy Canadian’. Mimi is FURIOUS.
Mytton has an EARRING in! When did THAT happen? Take it out, now! Is this the doing of Lottie Moss?
On the stage, the band have gone from terrible to utterly abysmal.
Mimi confronts Liv about #EasyCanadianGate. Liv tells her she finds her ‘one of the trashiest people I’ve come across’ (she has clearly never been to Galveston) and Mimi responds by asking her to stop being so obsessed with her. Liv walks off and flips her the bird backwards, which is harder to do than it looks.
Sam 2.0 – who is wearing a peach jacket by the way – has the NERVE to tell Original Sam that he was out of order when he came into the office the other day.
He’s clearly taking his intern role to some weird, over-involved, drinking Jamie’s bathwater sort of level.
Regardless of this, Jamie remarks that Original Sam is odd to listen to New Harry’s opinion because New Harry tried to touch Tiff inappropriately.
This prompts the second drink throwing incident of season 13, which is pretty impressive as we’re only in week five.