Last week, Mimi descended from the planet Sylph, touched down in W1 and set her antenna onto Icelandic prince Fred.
This week, she’s trying on shoes, stroking her own legs and meeting up with Toff and Victoria, who are both wearing matching black furs made from matching black creatures.
Mimi reveals that Fred ‘liked’ one of her old selfies the other evening at midnight – when the moon was at it’s highest and Capricorn was aligned with Uranus. She admits unashamedly that she ‘very much fancies Fred’, and Victoria calls her ‘a huntress’.
Seeing as Irish James has not cropped back up since he accepted Louise’s Facebook friend request and was consequently driven out of town by Ryan in a fit of jealous fury, another new boy has been installed onto our screens.
This one is called Sam Prince and has to be referred to via his full name so as not to rock the apple cart with Sam Thompson.
Sam Price is 19, naïve and can’t speak in sentences longer than 5.7 words.
He’s interviewing for an intern role at Candy Kittens and says things like ‘I’m sweeted out’ and ‘my wardrobe is pristine’. Careful to watch Jamie’s lips while he interviews him, so as to fully grasp what he’s saying to him, Sam Prince throws in that he ‘went out for lunch two weeks ago and only got back this Friday’.
That old chestnut, eh? He is hired on the spot for his devil-may-care agenda.
Binky’s pregnant, remember? And she’s lost some of her bladder control. ‘Do I need to get you a nappy?’ Louise inquires before suggesting they both do some clenches to tighten up the baby’s exit route.
Toff’s come out in support of Mimi, but it’s only because last summer Olivia hooked up with Francis in the South of France while Toff had been eyeing him up for herself. She seems to think it’s time Olivia got a taste of her own bitter, bitter medicine.
Tiff has dragged Sam kicking and screaming to couples counselling with a therapist named Honey Langcaster-James. Who WOULDN’T feel confident entrusting a woman with that name to sort out your tense relationship? Sam explains that he loves ‘fiddling with Tiff’ and Honey Langcaster-James tries not to be a bit sick in her mouth.
Fred has busted out his black spandex. He looks a bit like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment when she manoeuvres around all those bits of red string. He’s actually climbing trees in the park where Mimi happens to be running.
They discuss ‘the situation’ and Fred sets her straight by stating that he ‘wasn’t flirting with intent but it was nice to see you’, much like one would sack one’s maid. Mimi says ‘let’s be friends’ and they shake on it – but she holds on to his hand in a lingering ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ kind of way.
Jamie asks Sam Prince who his role model is and he says Brad Pitt (presumably for his philanthropic endeavours in the Sudan). Jamie asks him for suggestions for planning a party, and the conversation goes like this (because he can only say 5.7 words per sentence):
Sam Prince: ‘A warehouse, abandoned.’
Jamie: ‘Creepy, but okay. Are there ball pits? Are there slides?’
Sam Prince: ‘Slides!’
Jamie: ‘Don’t take my ideas!’
Sam Prince: ‘Okay, two floors. Slides if you want to go down.’
Jamie: ‘Don’t take my ideas, have new ones. Fireman’s pole.’
Sam Prince: ‘That’s bang on.’
Jamie: ‘DON’T TAKE MY IDEAS!’
Jamie then asks Sam to write down what they’re talking about and he manages to spell the word PARTY, like a big boy.
Olivia and Fred meet at a bar and break up. He then goes to see Francis to tell him the news. ‘It’s over? Oh, shame, sorry about that,’ Francis observes with all the sincerity of an indifferent vicar.
Fred explains that one of the reasons for this is that he asked someone, having met Mimi, where she’s been hiding. ‘So Liv took umbrage to you noticing that Mimi’s been hiding,’ Francis clarifies, in that special way he has with words.
Sam Prince has taken a break from party planning to sort sweets into jars by colour. He’s doing so well at big school!
In walks Original Sam who is FUMING with Jamie for telling Tiff that Sam is more likely to have gender reassignment and call himself Bernice than marry her any time soon. Their conversation gets a bit sensible and rather terse and Sam is told to ‘f**k off out of my office’ by Jamie while Sam Prince tries to count to ten in the backdrop.
Someone has informed Mimi by carrier pigeon that Fred and Olivia are kaputt. She spends no time beating around the bush and texts Fred within seconds saying: ‘I heard you and Liv ended things; let me know if you want to hang as friends, I’m sure I can help you take your mind off it!’
We all know what THAT means. She’s going to ask him round to bake buns.
Mimi and Toff then go shopping and run into Steph and Olivia. ‘Nice to meet you,’ Mimi says to Steph. ‘Terrible to meet you to be honest,’ comes Steph’s cutting reply. Before long, the words ‘home-wrecker’ and ‘slut’ have been uttered and Mimi has said: ‘Get the f**k over me!’ Classic!
It’s likely Sam Prince is an android. He doesn’t seem to blink or move his mouth.
Regardless of this, he tries to exude some emotion by hitting on Victoria at Jamie’s party.
It’s going so well (not really) but things turn sour when he tells Victoria he’s a mere intern. She declares that she only dates CEOs and would rather gouge her eyes out with a pair of vintage chopsticks than date Sam Prince.
Steph seems to have taken on the role of President of the I Hate Mimi fan club. She says to Olivia: ‘You’re so much prettier than that dumb b***h.’
Across the room, Mimi declares herself ‘happy’ that Olivia and Fred’s relationship has been obliterated into a million shards and giggles about it with Victoria and Toff while Olivia sobs into Julius’ armpit round the corner.