Crumbling relationship # 1: Sam and Tiff.
So Tiff has clearly instructed her father, the Right Honourable Clive Watson, to place Sam firmly behind the bar in a Peggy Mitchell-type role at his pub, so as to punish him for not wanting children at the age of 24.
While Sam’s left sterilising the Guinness pumps, Tiff is informed by Posh Danniella Westbrook that he quite recently suggested to her that they ‘bang’ (in the sexual sense, not the drumming sense). Tiff’s tear ducts begin to glisten at this news.
Crumbling relationship # 2: Ryan and Louise.
Apparently, Louise had a night out the other evening, which involved her walking the streets at 7am and getting on a BUS! She’s having a right old laugh about this with Mytton and Steph, at the expense of Louise’s boyfriend Ryan who had been patiently waiting for her at home with his camera at the ready so he could use her as a human bench press. But no, she was out living it large because, as Mytton observes, he and she ‘are cut from the same cloth’.
Note: this innocent comment will later be treated as if Mytton had just backed over Ryan’s grandmother in a tractor.
Crumbling relationship # 3: Olivia and Fred.
These two are syncronised swimming together in some kind of underwater spa, bragging about how perfect their relationship is in comparison to everyone else’s.
Little do they realise, there’s another new girl in town – Mimi – who is meanwhile having a girls’ night with Ella. Does their girls’ night involve wearing penis necklaces and drinking shots out of mens’ navels? No. They’re actually just at the local museum looking at busts of peoples’ near-dead faces. Anyway, Mimi fancies Fred because he resembles an ‘Icelandic Prince’ (which is true) and would quite like to make sweet blonde love to him.
Make-up free bespectacled Steph is getting a slice of cake for breakfast when she bumps into Ryan, who orders a very berry, raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens smoothie (because he’s healthy). Steph tells him Mytton’s comment about Louise ‘being cut from the same cloth’ and it’s all Ryan can do from ordering seventeen slices of Steph’s Battenburg.
Tiff’s knocking back the chardonnay as she waits for Sam. In he pops, fresh from his shift at the Queen Vic. She has also invited Posh Danniella Westbrook, who walks in with her knee-highs on. The pair of blondes give Sam a talking to RE: his suggestion that he and Posh Danniella Westbrook ‘bang’ and as a result he storms out, leaving Tiff looking like she’s got nine wedges of lime stuck in her oesophagus.
Because Ella revealed last week that she doesn’t kiss boys until at least four years after she’s met them, Julius tries to hurry things along by cramming as many dates into a day as possible. He’s got a bicycle built for two, which technically counts as two dates as there’s two seats. Then he pops his cork and they enjoy some champagne in front of a couple of preening geese, so that’s at least three more dates right there. It works because Ella happily smacks one on him in front of the dreary British lake they’re at (as opposed to the Mauritian ocean last week which was far less romantic).
Mimi has whacked on her barely-there top to wander into a restaurant that Fred just so happens to be waiting for Olivia in. She wastes no time in complimenting him. ‘I like your hair down, I only saw it up that time’ she says (#goodchat). In walks Olivia to join Fred for dinner but Mimi WILL NOT get out of her seat. When she eventually does, she sits at an adjacent table and is sure to give Fred the glad-eye, as Olivia fumes into her tagliatelle carbonara.
On the bridge of disaster, where all relationships in MIC go to die, Sam and Tiff meet. Sam metaphorically slaps Tiff round the face by bringing a bag with some of her stuff in it which we later learn he originally intended to bring in a BIN LINER! Sam reminds her that he brought her an owl once when they had an argument. ‘You tell someone you want to f**k them and I’m meant to buy you an owl?’ Tiff rages.
Sam’s throwing a party with mermaids, hooded women twirling flashing hoops and HRH Clive Watson. The boys are huddled in the corner and Mimi levitates past, winking at Fred. Akin (why is he still in it?) says ‘I would give her everything’ which is the most embarrassing thing ever to be uttered by a non-important MIC cast member who should have been sacked last year.
Posh Danniella Westbrook has a word with Julius about the fact that he’s mugged her off for Ella. ‘But we had a sun cream awkward flirty moment,’ she says. ‘I feel like a bloody mouldy egg now.’ Julius tries not to gag.
Olivia gets wind that Mimi has been coveting Fred from across crowded rooms and calls her a ‘cheeky bitch’ and ‘trailer trash’. She then asks her what she’s playing at to which Mimi is all ‘it’s not my fault your boyfriend is hitting on other girls’. Fred then walks up and Olivia demands to know if he has any interest in Mimi. Mimi tries to leave but is told ‘no you stay here’ and to ‘just stand there please’. In turn she says that Fred is ‘totally hot and he thinks I’m cute back’ and then sashays off into the night leaving Olivia and Fred both wondering where she got her fur coat from.