Last week, we learnt that there was going to be NO messing around and that there would be a #awks trip abroad happening immediately. Where: Mauritius. Who: Nine people that HATE each other.
Question: How did they all travel there? Apparently they’ve not seen one another since #therussianball. Were they immediately blindfolded and gagged and thrown into the boots of individual cars, driven to separate helipads around the UK and then dropped onto the Mauritian shore line, one by one, like posh food packages?

In case you missed it last week – Irish James plays Rugby. Did you get that? RUGBY. He is a rugby player. Got it? Good.

BOMBSHELL: After his heinous attempt at wooing her at #therussianball, Louise ADDED HIM ON FACEBOOK, despite clearly being repulsed by him.
He says several times that ‘she’s a beautiful girl’, which he also said several times last week. So to recap: Irish James plays rugby, and Louise ‘is a beautiful girl’.

JP and Mytton address the elephant in the room: that Binky’s baby could indeed be Mytton’s, from their relationship about two years ago. (We were all thinking it.)

So it turns out that Sam didn’t follow Tiff after she stormed off, lips pursed to the max, after her and Ella’s altercation at #therussianball. Under the Mauritian moon, Sam and Tiff discuss. Tiff is still embittered about the whole thing. Sam then says ‘do me a solid’, and she says ‘no YOU do ME a solid,’ and all the viewers try not to laugh.

Ella’s wearing a holely top, and Fred is concerned for her impending tan lines (or, rather, tan holes). She says that she loves the villa (which, FYI, is called La Maison Eureka (!)) and that she feels like she’s in France. Is Mauritius not good enough for you, Ella? She also reveals that Julius has, since arriving abroad, ALREADY whipped out his red keyboard and played her a cheeky little tune. Oh Julius, you cad!

Binky is shovelling eggs benedict like there’s no tomorrow and Mark Francis is looking on in horror. ‘I often feel that looking at food is sufficient,’ he remarks. Binky wants his assistance with maternity-wear. ‘I don’t know how to dress at the best of times,’ she says. ‘No, I know,’ Mark Francis agrees. He then lists precisely what every expectant woman should be popping down to their nearest MotherCare for: hats, furs, sunglasses, heels, statement bags…

There’s a weird scene in which the people on holiday walk out of their villa in a line, not talking, as if they are The Children Of The Corn.

Binky and Janie are discussing what the forthcoming child should refer to Janie as going forward (after birth, obviously). ‘Granny’ is thrown out as a suggestion. ‘Could we give it a French twist and say Grandmama?’ suggests Janie, like the sass-pot that she is.

Mark Francis has some further thoughts about Binky’s maternity ensembles. He reckons the old ‘virginal, pure, untouched virgin’ look is a winner. This is just like when Mary was consulted on what to wear when she was pregnant with Jesus.

Awkward dinner-time. Olivia and Daisy AKA Posh Danniella Westbrook have it out about the time Posh Danniella Westbrook told Olivia she hopes she gets hit by a bus and dragged five streets. She cries into her napkin and Olivia FORGIVES her! Which is just a horrible anticlimax.

Back in London, Mytton does what he does best and withdraws his large spoon in the presence of Louise and Ryan and starts to stir. He mentions that Irish James said Louise added him on Facebook which Louise then says is a dirty, filthy lie.

Ollie is throwing a ‘what gender is the baby’ party (has a ring to it). Mark Francis says: ‘I’m excited, I shall send a crate of champagne straight to the party’ (which Binky can’t drink).

Back at the dinner in Mauritius, the focus then turns on Ella and Sam. Tiff, Frankie and Olivia start yelling at them and Sam calls them ‘dogs’. He then tells Olivia to shut her mouth which prompts her to throw a drink over him. The first of the season!

The next day, Posh Danniella Westbrook asks Julius to slather her with Factor 40. He does so, but evidently feels no desire at touching her body as he later admits he fancies Ella. Gutted, Posh Danniella Westbrook.

Ollie wants a violence-themed ‘can you guess what gender the child is’ party. He wants Icelandic swords and piñata battering. As they’re not keen on this, Ollie suggests to JP and Binky: ‘What about Moroccan, we can all wear Djellabas.

Olivia and Posh Danniella Westbrook are laughing and hugging and it’s just not what we expected from these two, let’s face it. Olivia does drop the bombshell that Julius prefers Ella, despite the fact that he applied cream to Posh Danniella Westbrook’s naked skin.

After all of Ollie’s suggestions about how to reveal the sex of the baby, he finally does it by basically just letting Binky and JP say it out loud in front of everyone (it’s a girl btw).

On the moonlit Mauritian beach, some native dancers are dancing natively. Julius plonks Ella down to tell her she has a decent face, and she informs him he has good lips. Which leads to a ‘do you want to kiss them’ comment, which Ella says no to. She announces that she doesn’t kiss on the first date, and often waits four or five dates (by which case the guy is clearly kissing someone else on the sly). They discuss kissing so much that all of the sexiness slowly drains from the situation like a slowly deflating wind sock.

Irish James is chatting to Binky at her ‘it’s a girl so buy me pink stuff’ party. He says ‘so, baby girl’ to her which for a minute sounds like he’s saying ‘so, Babygirl’ and therefore calling her Babygirl.

Ryan comes up to have a word. ‘So what’s the crack? I hear you’re giving the big lips about hitting on Louise,’ he says, while doing an upside-down peace sign. Irish James, who is wearing a shirt with very few buttons done up, denies this and tells Ryan not to be so insecure. ‘I am not angry or threatened,’ Ryan replies, angrily and threatened-like.

Back on the beach, Tiff’s shaking and crying (as per) because Sam actually wants to enjoy his twenties and not marry someone whose default reaction to drama is to shake and cry.

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