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If you missed the reason this first review of the season is a day late, click here. ‘Twas with good reason…

Those watching the opening moments of the 13th season of Made In Chelsea would be forgiven for thinking they had accidentally been transported into a screening of the latest Bond movie.

It’s got everything: girls in flimsy nightwear, a tinted-windowed Rolls Royce with a spiteful looking fur-wearing woman (Victoria) in it, a ridiculously-named Russian heir (Mark-Francis Vandelli Orlov-Romanovsky) descending from on high in a chopper, and the phrase ‘are the plans in place?’ being uttered.

But the plans in question aren’t very James Bond-y. Rather than plotting to use lunar soil to blow up Uranus in a bid to take over Earth, this is only the arrangements for a Russian ball (because Mark Francis has a fondness for Russian balls).

Binky hasn’t RSVP’d because she’s with child and that means you can’t go to parties that are themed around Eurasian Federations.

Elsewhere, Louise and Ryan are having a bath. It’s not a proper one though; only Louise is actually in it, and she’s got a face full of make-up. Ryan is naked and serving her champagne. His nude rear is on show but he has to stand with his legs and cheeks as close together as possible so as not to give the nation an eyeful of his Libbey.

Jamie tells Proudlock that he and Frankie broke up, went on holiday and consequently got back together; but that he immediately took away the wardrobe he gave her for Christmas. Proudlock responds to this by calling him ‘Dude’, ‘Bro’ and ‘Animal’ approximately 39 times in the very short scene.

Louise has left Ryan at home by the bath, cold and naked, to join the girls for a catch up. She’s bragging about her holiday, which she posted no less than 177 selfies during. Binky arrives and announces she is expecting JP’s baby and hands out sonogram pictures as if they were wedding favours. Steph makes it about her by claiming she’s going to be an aunt and that she has goosebumps and shivers and probably deep vein thrombosis from the news. Louise makes it about her by asking why SHE isn’t pregnant. And Rosie calls Binky a bitch.

Simultaneously, JP tells Akin, Proudlock and Jamie that he’s pregnant via Binky. Their faces suggest they’re not loving the news but then Jamie starts to shake and Akin stakes his claim for position of godfather, so they basically do what the girls did and make it about themselves rather than the unborn new life.

Mark Francis is teaching Toff to waltz and Victoria remarks that she ‘feels like one of those judges on those dreadful dancing shows’ whilst trying to stop herself from being sick in her mouth.

Sam is on his way to a job interview with Tiff’s dad Clive. New girl # 1, Ella, just happens to be loitering around the bar like a mouse at a barn dance. She also happens to be blonde and has ‘history’ with Sam. Clive appears, clearly hates her, asks Sam into his office and probably gets Ella escorted out.

New girl # 2, Daisy, is pretending to be on the phone to her ‘daddy’, struggling with 14 cardboard shopping bags and bumps into Julius and Fred. She is ALSO blonde, fancy that. She’s a bit like a posh Danniella Westbrook and essentially offers herself to Julius on a silver plateaux within 30 seconds of meeting him.

There’s a triple date happening and they’re all discussing the baby news. Louise explains the miracle of birth: ‘It’s going to come out and look like them!’

New boy # 1, James, is inexplicably invited to Mark Francis’ Russian ball, and invites posh Danniella Westbrook too, despite the fact that everyone else had to wait for embossed calligraphy-penned invitations to come in the post. Irish James is a ‘professional rugby player’ which he informs everyone in order to assert his sexual desirability. Fred then invites posh Danniella Westbrook to Mauritius with him and Julius and she accepts, declaring that she is ‘down for a bit of spontan-it-eity’. She also announces that she HATES Olivia, which is kind of awkward seeing as Fred is Olivia’s long-haired lover.

At the ball, Mark Francis is explaining that when babies start to walk it’s ‘a disaster’. He says ‘keep it on it’s knees ’til it knows everything about antique furniture’ which, truthfully, isn’t a bad tip.

The plot thickens with Olivia and posh Danniella Westbrook aka Daisy. Daisy tells Julius that she is ‘99.9999 percentage recurring sure’ that Olivia slept with her boyfriend ages ago. Across the room, Olivia tells Fred that she most certainly did not because he was ‘ming’ and that Daisy texted her once saying she hopes she gets hit by a bus, which is always a lovely text to receive.

It turns out Ella is the one who told Sam that Tiff kissed another boy about three seasons ago. Tiff’s pursed lips say it all. When Sam informs her that Ella’s coming to Mauritius too, Tiff storms off bitterly, leaving Sam and Ella awkwardly circling the tops of their champagne flutes.

Irish James tries hitting on Louise in the most hideously awkward chemistry-less pick up in history. Ryan is FUMING, but represses this because Irish James is about 19 feet tall. Irish James then calls Louise ‘stunning’ and ‘beautiful’ and then kisses her on the cheek and the world shifts on its axis out of cringe-worthy inappropriateness.

Ollie and JP make friends because, as we all know, there is a child now involved and we don’t want another repeat of the time Ollie threw a whiskey tumbler at a duck.

– A

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