Fred’s got his metronome out and Francis is assessing his fingering. They are of course going over Fred’s violin practise, in preparation for his Viennese recital. Francis can’t make it to Vienna, but that’s okay because Fred has invited his is she/isn’t she girlfriend, Olivia Bentley.


As is the fashion in Chelsea, Olivia Bentley is randomly inviting others on her romantic holiday without checking first with the person who is actually organising it. In this instance she is inviting Tiff (why would you?) who in turn asks Toff. Sadly for all involved, Fred has also asked Julius, who Tiff hates. On top of this friction, Tiff inviting Toff is a potential landmine on the lush meadow of what was once Jess and Toff’s friendship. To top it all off, they’ve got to listen to Fred playing a violin.

So basically, it sounds like a great holiday all round.


Wheeze and her robotic square-jawed boyfriend are performing the karma sutra in the park. Ollie pops along with his dog Bear who points at them with disgust. The Robot (I genuinely don’t know his name) picks up Ollie in an act of faux titillation. Ollie loves it because he hasn’t been touched since he broke up with that guy who was a bit like a poor man’s Nick Grimshaw. “I’m just a lonely fat orca,” mourns Ollie, before meeting Steph elsewhere in the park and discussing how Wheeze and her don’t get on, setting us up nicely for an ill-fated encounter later in the episode with aforementioned robot.

In another part of the park (why are they all in a park?) Jess meets up with the boys because she isn’t speaking to any of the girls after Toff’s betrayal. She expresses how sad the whole thing has made her. Akin remarks that if he were in her shoes he would be pissed off. No-one cares, nor are they shocked as he is the bitch of Chelsea.

In Vienna, Tiff is shocked to learn that “the people are nice” there; because she’s not. Unaware that Julius was coming on the trip, in Fred walks with Julius and Olivia Bentley. Tiff is fuming and pulls Olivia Bentley aside and demands an explanation. “I didn’t know he was coming,” Olivia explains. I’m sorry but that is a LIE. He lives with your parents, of course you knew ! And even if you didn’t, you could have dropped Tiff a cheeky whatsapp as you boarded the plane after he showed up at the airport!


Seeming to have moved on from last week’s flirtations with Julius, Steph bumps into The Robot at the gym (which doesn’t have anyone else in it). “I’ve just had a shower…look at my calves…let’s work out…you’re a catch” Steph says. She clearly just wants some free training and The Robot is loving it – especially when she shows him her abs. Steph slightly throws Wheeze under the bus by telling The Robot “she always says she’s going to move in with her boyfriends” and that “if she doesn’t want you to train me I don’t really care because I really need a six pack”. He then relays this back to Wheeze and tells her a completely alternate version of what happened because he wasn’t plugged in to be charged overnight and so probably can’t remember all the details. Wheeze is resultantly fuming!


At the Viennese recital there’s a singer who is a man but sings like a woman and has wild murderous eyes. Fred decides to use the public forum as the setting of “The Chat” with Olivia Bentley about their relationship status. Toff ruins it by barging through and interrupting them. Across the room, Julius is wearing a shirt with an ill-placed black stripe running down it. Tiff then tells him he needs to apologise to Sam when he’s back in London. Her reason is that although Sam called Julius a rat and a dick, Julius is still the one in the wrong.

Back in Lodnon, Akin is enjoying a feminine drink. JP remarks that he really “needs a girl/boyfriend” (I added the /boyfriend bit).

The trio of girls in Vienna indulge in a rather Chekhovian carriage ride, and they’re all wrapped warmly in fur muffs. One of them takes a selfie which immediately goes viral and angers Jess back in England. I’d be interested to know whether Toff is as angry about Jess’s current threeway getaway with Mytton and Kate Moss’s weird sister (see the newspapers for elaboration).


Mark Francis questions why Wheeze would date her personal trainer. “She picked up the staff?” he asks Steph, “Surely he doesn’t charge her any more?” she reasons.

At the Wiener Christkindlmarkt, serenaded by some German tuba players, Fred asks Olivia to be his official woman.


While they all attend a cocktail party back home, Wheeze makes it clear that it was unacceptable for Steph to ask her boyfriend for tips on keeping fit and for admitting to him that she has a stomach. Steph explains that she didn’t mean to upset Wheeze and says she can just watch a YouTube video for exercise tips, essentially highlighting what a waste of money paying for a trainer is anyway. This comparison is apt given that Wheeze’s boyfriend may as well be an uploaded MP4 anyway due to his roboticized nature. This helps them to make friends so that’s all lovely.


The Vienna crew are back and also at the Cocktail party and Julius tries to talk to Sam who justifies calling him a rat because he was “showing some ratty attributes”. Its not long before Tiff goes nasal and Sam has told Julius to fuck off. And a Frohe Weihnachten to you too, Sam.

In happier news, Jess and Toff make friends which is a beautiful moment for us all.

Next week’s predictions: It’s Christmas and there’s usually a smackdown (#bigfatfuckingturkey) and my money is definitely on Sam and Julius getting hot and heavy over the stuffed cranberry and brie tarts.

– A

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