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JP and Akin are just driving around a roundabout in a sporty car. Akin is telling JP that what has happened with Binky is for the best. You know, because he knows so much about women because he is practically Spencer Matthews. It’s episode 9 Akin – get on with it.

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Olivia Bentley is walking her family dog Cedric in London “because everyone at home is getting sick of him”. RSPCA?

Jess is ADAMANT that Toff doesn’t go for coffee with Tiff, lest they start being fake-nice to one another, as opposed to actual-nice. But Lo! Tiff rings Toff while Toff is listening to Emily’s pretend ad-lib about joining a dating site. Tiff invites Toff for coffee the next day, which Toff says yes to, which will surely be much to Jess’s chagrin.

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Steph tells Binky she is going on a date with Julius and Binky’s face does look a bit falsely happy. Could it be that she covets that tall blonde red keyboard player?

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In what looks like some sort of shag pad, complete with a piano and stand-up cello, Fred and Francis are “brushing up on Arabic”. Olivia Bentley comes in and Fred gets up from the piano in his velvet blazer, blonde locks a-flowin’, like some 17th century French lord crossed with a Norwegian vampire. Olivia Bentley tells Fred that her parents want to meet him. “Me?” he asks, vomiting in his mouth a bit. “Believe in yourself,” advises Francis. “Be the best Fred you can be.”

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At coffee, Tiff and Toff bury the hatchet (not into each other’s skulls).

Steph force feeds Julius oysters and champagne and laughs way too hard at everything he says. She is not partaking in the oysters though and only eats bread. There are 24 oysters for Julius to eat on his own. So basically she’ll be all bloated by the end of the night and he’ll have the squits from all the sea meat and no-one will be indulging in intercourse, be it sexual or otherwise.

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#awkward. Rosie and Wheeze happen to grab drinks at the same bar Mark Francis and Binky are at. Binky’s not talking to Wheeze and Rosie. Rosie isn’t talking to Mark Francis. Mark Francis isn’t talking to Rosie.

Back with the oysters, Steph is explaining to Julius that she thinks he’s a cute puppy, good looking and she likes his chest. He informs her he can only think of sex. She is laughing in a way she has never laughed before. He then moves his chair next to her, so as to be more convenient for the sake of camera angles and snogs her with his oyster-laced lips.

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The next day Steph is breakfasting with Victoria and Toff and she finds out that Julius is 23. “But he’s so tall,” Steph observes, explaining that she thinks the small are young and the tall are old. Given that Julius is about 6 foot 7 he must be about 62.

Jess tells Toff that being friends with Tiff is unacceptable. She is wearing a denim choker as she says this.

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Olivia Bentley’s parents come in in their fur-lined cuffs and mustard trousers. She (the mum) is one of these “fun posh mothers” and he (the dad) is…well, wearing mustard trousers. They ask Fred if he is Olivia’s boyfriend and she says he’s just a friend which is sad because Fred was rearranging the forks on the table and everything.

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At the token unknown unsigned band’s gig, Toff is practically straddling Tiff and Sam and waving it in Jess’s miffed face.

Julius reveals that “the Bentley girls don’t give blow jobs”  – which surprises me, truth be told – before Fred invites Olivia Bentley to Vienna next week to watch him play his instrument. And his violin. And not have a blow job.

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Elsewhere, Wheeze, Binky and Rosie bury the hatchet (not into each other’s faces).

All is well, but alas…

Next week’s predictions: Steph causes controversy when she shows Wheeze’s rectangular faced boyfriend with no personality her stomach for professional ab sculpting tips. Which is unacceptable given that one is not supposed to admit to one’s friends’ boyfriends that one has a stomach.

– A

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