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Oh no. Binky has sent Julius A VOICENOTE! At 4:22 IN THE MORNING! After. Midnight. And it says “where the fuck are you?” What does this mean? Does she want his beautiful blonde face?

Akin says: The thing is…there’s no smoke without fire…” Yeah, thanks for that Akin.

Jamie is wearing a blouse. Literally, it’s a blouse. And it’s undone literally down past his breasts and to his myfanwy. Mytton asks what’s happening with Frankie and asks if he still wakes up every day resenting her. He is all – I never said that, and points out that it’s not EVERY day. Just the majority of days.

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At Cad And The Dandy *rolls eyes* Akin takes great great pleasure in telling JP that Binky sent Julius a slurry message involving the words “the” “you” “where” “are” and “fuck”. JP is all “it doesn’t scream ‘let’s have sex’ does it?” which it doesn’t really and Akin is really disappointed that he hasn’t ruined JP’s life just as he was getting excited about his new suit.

Gutted Akin.

That being said, JP still turns up at the ladies’ brunch and makes Olivia Bentley and Wheeze get out of their seats so he can rant at Binky for utilising her voice note features so brazenly.

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Toff is also at the brunch complaining about Tiff to Victoria and a brunette girl who tries to get involved but no one cares, poor love.

JP thinks Julius is “an utter snake” even though he hasn’t really done anything wrong apart from find Binky visually appealing and be at the receiving end of an ill-timed voice note and 30 missed calls. I’ll tell you who the snake is. AKIN! Like, he goes around claiming to be a “Don Juan” despite never getting with any women; and pretending to be able to play darts even though he couldn’t hit a bull’s eye with Google Maps if he tried. And then he throws Julius and Binky and JP under the bus one at a time. Akin, you bitch.

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Frankie is informed that Jamie hates waking up next to her every day so stays at Tiff’s after the ladies’ brunch. She bumps into Mytton the next day but is wearing a different outfit. Where did that top come from, Frankie? She bursts into tears and Mytton is all “it’s not my place to tell you what Jamie’s been saying but basically he’s been saying he hates you”.

Victoria is dressing Toff for a Studio 54 party and explains who used to go to Studio 54: “Michael Jackson, his monkey, Bianca Jagger rode in on a horse, my godmother”. Is the saying Bianca Jagger’s horse IS her godmother? Probably, let’s face it.

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Award for best dressed at the party goes to Binky who is a bombshell. She looks like she should be on The Avengers. No – The NEW Avengers! JP has written her an essay – not a voice note, mind you – which uses phrases like “take a hike”. As a result JP doesn’t want to go to the party which is a shame as he misses Toff and Tiff’s slanging match (Toff is second best dressed btw).

Julius is wearing a ruffled cowboy waistcoat. Sam calls him a rat. Julius calls Sam a child. Binky runs off upset (not because of either of these things).

Next week’s predictions: All of Olivia Bentley’s scenes will be cut (see any online rag for further information on this).

– A

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