So Frankie’s a slob. Her silken negligee and Jesus sandals are all over Jamie’s bedroom floor and she’s pretending to sleep in while he gets up and works. Then she flutters downstairs in her oversized shirt and steals his toast like a big toast stealing bitch. She then tells Jamie she prefers him since living with him and his face basically says that he hates her.


Sam slams the likes of Wheeze and her robot boyfriend because they pressure him to eat kale and quinoa and drink liquidated cabbage. He would rather have “brownies, marshies and cookies” .


Fred and Olivia Bentley are poking each other with long thin sticks. AND they’re fencing. Olivia Bentley says its the best date she’s EVER had. I mean, sure – dates are always better when you’re both wearing mesh face masks. There’s a lot of innuendo flying around about Fred being good with his sword and getting his tip in Olivia Bentley’s face. Eventually they remove their masks and kiss, but its the kind where you stay stood in place and just lean forward without touching bodies. Hot.


Julius followed me on Twitter last week, so that’s good.


Wheeze gets involved in Sam and Tiff’s relationship and starts getting stroppy about the fact that Tiff never stays over. So basically she’s upset that her brother isn’t being shagged by his girlfriend in the room next to hers. I think this is also because he’s eating white bread at the time and we all know that’s for heathens.


Things get terse with Francis and Fred because Fred took Olivia Bentley out to poke her (with his fencing stick). Fred tells Francis that he placed his lips onto Olivia Bentley’s lips and that they’re going out again. Francis reminds Fred that he only dumped her out of pragmatism. Fred’s not letting his blonde locks roam free this week – there’s a lot of head bands and top knots happening.

Sam and Tiff have a row and Tiff’s voice is warbling again like a blue tit at dawn. Sam goes all hoarse in response. This is all Wheeze’s fault and she owes each of them a bottle of Benylin mucus relief in my opinion.


Julius has organised a shoot and there’s a lot of Shakespearean fashion and blue fur going on. Akin is there. Side note – he was on Gaby Roslin’s BBC Radio London show this week and explained that he has been brought onto the show to replace Spenny as the lothario. Um, sure.


Toff takes it upon herself to pop over to Tiff and Rosie and just make sure Tiff knows what’s going on in her own relationship. God knows I adore Toff and find Tiff insufferable but it really isn’t her place and she makes a slight tit of herself. This isn’t helped by Rosie who makes Toff say what she came over to say despite her preluding it with “you’re probably going to tell me to bugger off”. Rosie suggests Toff “fucking pipes down” but after she’s walked off which is much less interesting.


Julius tells Olivia Bentley that Francis is fuming about her and Fred and she calls him “a little bitch” and says that he can “shove it up his ass”. She then confronts him about it and instructs him not to fuck anything up between her and Fred because she’d ideally like to merge with him in blonde union.


Jamie suggests that Frankie packs up her floor wardrobe and gets the hell out of his house which obviously doesn’t go down well because she deferred uni for a year because of him and so revoked her application to student housing and would rather not live in a box.


Sam and Wheeze kiss and make up in that weird brotherly/sisterly way they enjoy so much and literally walk off into the sunset together.

Next week’s predictions: There will be a fall out from Toff’s interference in Tiff’s life and hopefully a raging cat fight.

– A

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