Julius is playing cricket because, remember everyone, his family are cricket legends and all hate him because he has chosen a career as a red keyboard player-cum-singer and so have made him move in with Olivia Bentley’s parents. He’s playing with Ollie and Nick (the boyfriend), who’s allowed to speak this week. He is worried about Ollie and so would like to take him away for a day, but actually Ollie has decided he finds Nick repellent and needs to think of a way to get rid of him.


Wheeze burst into the tears in the shower the other day (shock!) because she has been thinking about Alik instead of her robot boyfriend with the square jaw.

Mark Francis is sorting out all his stuff because and he’s making Victoria take notes. Whatever happened to the maid he had, who he used to verbally abuse in Italian? #findjana


Ollie and Nick go to a sort of petting zoo type establishment and Ollie looks like he’d rather be literally anywhere else. Poor Nick is smiling away unbeknownst to the fact that Ollie would rather throw himself face-first into the emu pen than date Nick again. As they perch on a picnic bench and Nick cracks open the M&S prosecco, Ollie explains that they need to break up “because he’s been so stressed about JP and Binky”. Nick BELIEVES this and suggests they take a break rather than break up. Ollie’s having none of it. Nick then tries to caress Ollie’s left knee but this only makes him walk off without even so much as a gay handshake.


Whilst wearing a Christmas ribbon around her neck, Wheeze tells her rectangular-jawed boyfriend that she emailed Alik and he throws a tizzy about it. JP advises him not to let a little thing like that bother him, despite the fact that JP’s still upset about Binky feeding Julius marshmallows two weeks ago.


On a night out, Akin’s got his lensless glasses on and is chatting girls up and he’s ridiculous. But who cares about that when Ollie and Nick are both there and Nick is saying that he “felt like a massive idiot when we went to the zoo”. He still believes that Ollie is stressed about JP and Binky and when Ollie admits that was a dirty lie and he actually just doesn’t want to indulge in Nick’s bodily fluids anymore. Nick goes all whiney and says he’s going to go – but stays.


Pathetic boyfriend situation #2: Wheeze’s human mannequin companion makes just as much of a fool out of himself as Nick did by telling Wheeze he never wants to see her again because she dared to send an email to Alik. Then he totally changes his tune and starts giggling with her like a teenage girl who plays hockey at the weekends and has consequently developed a cubic-shaped underbite.

Next week’s predictions: I hate to say it but I predict a dull old time. Frankie’s back, Tiff’s doing her hysterical shaky crying voice again and Fred’s wearing a headband. #bringbacklucy

– A

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