I’m so embarrassed for Olivia Bentley. She’s carted Fred off to her parents’ country pile, stripped him of his decency and coaxed him into her swimming pool to act out statuesque poses for her to photograph. She’s got her telescopic lens out and everything. I mean – are her parents at home right now? Are they both standing at the kitchen window in their loungewear clutching coffee mugs and watching their daughter use her alleged professional endeavours to exploit this poor Nordic boy? Because he inexplicably and ridiculously lives with Olivia Bentley’s parents, Julius saunters outside and says that he can’t WAIT to see the naked photos of Fred. His haircut also looks like he’s wearing a beret made of hair on top of his actual hair.

screen-shot-2016-11-05-at-13-23-02Pangolins are old news and fermented apples are IN. Francis is in the lab mixin’ said apples because “as a baby, in Paris, we had an orchard, and I would crawl around it”.

JP is FUMING with Ollie and Julius, so Mytton has a suggestion: stuff his mouth with marshmallows and don’t let him talk. Also known as a game of Chubby Bunny. Google it. Try it.


Steph – who has been noticeably absent this season thus far – joins Ollie, his boyfriend whose name I can’t recall and Julius for a steak dinner. It literally takes her about 90 seconds to hug Ollie and sit down. She asks Julius what “team” he’s on, meaning is he gay, straight, bi or Thai. Not understanding the question he says he’s on everyone’s team, and Steph presumes he’s just a massive dirty bike.

Emily and Toff are shopping because “you HAVE to when the new season is about to start”. Emily says that “everyone’s waiting to hear that I have slept with Mytton”. No, Emily, we’re not. No one physically cares. Literally, no one gives a rat’s teeny-weeny ass.


in the park, JP, Binky, Wheeze and Sam are chucking long blocks of wood at other long blocks of wood. JP then starts slagging off Ollie, suggesting that when he “gets hard” it’s difficult to know if he’s flirting (not in THAT way you filthy beasts). Binky isn’t having any of this backchat and bitch-shames him. Wheeze then says she supports Binky and JP’s relationship because she feels there’s a glimmer of hope to it. How poetically depressing.

Jess and Akin are having drinks with Emily and Mytton who go off to the bar and have a tongue. Akin and Jess then watch them saying “they look good” like a couple of raincoat-wearing 56-year-old men outside a girls’ military college.


On a random mews somewhere, JP bumps into Julius and it is #awks.com! JP starts analysing Julius’ personality and gives him a good old-fashioned dressing down. JP deludedly thinks that Binky was upset at Francis’ pangolin-themed party because Ollie invited Julius camping; so Julius tells JP that Binky told him she doesn’t think JP is right for her. Is this a lie? Has Julius just truly become an MIC cast member by manipulating the truth to suit his own personal needs?

There’s this sub-storyline happening where Akin and Jess are taking it upon themselves to re-invent Mytton’s dress sense. They go shoe shopping and are “excited” about it. My God! Anyway, whilst discussing Mytton’s ability to colour block with blacks and whites, Jess tells Akin that Mytton drunk-texted her last night “wishing she was there”. Akin suggests that this was a so-called Booty Call. Why would we listen to you Akin, you’re wearing spiked aluminium shoes.


At the walled garden in Fulham Palace, Jamie tries to suggest to Francis that Fred and Olivia Bentley exchanged sensual looks while she photographed his rippling body in the pool, even though they really just were not. Francis is all “that’s ridiculous” and that’s pretty much the end of that silly little plot point (for now).

At the hairdressers, Emily tells Toff that she and Mytton kissed and jokes that he looked at her before he did it and said “marry me!” I am SO embarrassed for you right now Emily.


Still FURIOUS at Julius and #marshmallowgate, JP informs Binky that she should not be talking about him to anyone without his written consent. She is so irritated that she calls him JOSH! Who, now?

Rosie and Proudlock have collaborated and are throwing a fashion show which Jess has dressed Mytton as a priest for and Julius has put on a hat for. Mark Francis suggests his being there is a form of charity before asking what a Kanye West is.


Emily has a face like a slapped possum about Jess standing next to Mytton. Akin relentlessly announces that Mytton drunk-texted Jess and then takes it upon himself to ask Mytton and Emily where they are with their relationship. I love it, but WTF Akin? Go away, yeah? Find your own metallic-shoed storyline.

JP, Binky and Julius chat at the fashion show and Julius tries to clear the air. JP then says “this is the kind of person I expected you to be”. Alright, Theresa May!

Next week’s predictions: Ollie’s boyfriend speaks; the decline of Binky and JOSH will most likely continue forwards; Wheeze’s boyfriend speaks; hopefully Akin won’t speak.

– A

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