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This week’s episode starts with Jamie scootering around Kensington, open mouthed. He’s off to Proudlock’s office, where Proudlock is staring at his rack of self-designed clothing wondering what on Earth he was thinking when he designed them. He, Jamie and Francis congregate and declare that “The Lost Boys are back”. Its a bit like in Friends when Ross ties to get them to call him The Rossatron.

This week’s token sport in an outdoor environment between JP and Akin is “tossing a rugby ball around”. Akin brings up Olivia Bentley’s Henley-On-Thames-based party and asks JP: “Where had you been throughout the day?” Throughout the day – LOL. L. O. L.

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The girls are doing yoga and Wheeze and Rosie are slamming JP’s name to Binky, telling her that if she gets back with him she is “risking losing your happiness” but whatever, no biggie.

Tiff is shopping FOR SAM in A WOMENS’ clothes shop. Thankfully this is her only scene this week. Also thankfully, we don’t ever see Sam wearing the small white female’s shorts she wants to buy him. Frankie is there, having deferred uni and all. She is telling them that she discovered that Jess said that she has no brain cells. But Frankie trips up here. I’ve caught you Frankie. I am Miss Marple, watching you over the hedge as I prune my bush. Frankie says: “I don’t know if it was Mytten or Emily that told me…oh, it was Emily.” LIES. It was Mytten. She knows it too, the rapscallion.

Speaking of people that hate Frankie, Mytten and Jess are hanging out and Mytten uses the phrase “bum chums” which I haven’t heard since about 1997 and thought had died with the turn of the millennium.

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Binky arranges a camping trip, and texts Ollie, who happens to be with Julius, the one that sings with a portable red keyboard. Ollie then INVITES Julius too, in the hopes that Binky will end up snogging him by firelight while JP sits at home with his picnic hamper nibbling on stale baguette. “If you think she’s quite fit and she thinks you’re quite fit I see no problem in my mind with you both potentially coming camping,” Ollie surmises.

Phrases that are spoken whilst camping: “This is called firewood…we make fire with it” and “What is camping?”

Ollie rocks up with Julius, who has left the red keyboard at Olivia Bentley’s parents’ house (where he inexplicably lives) and has opted for a guitar which, thank Jebediah, he doesn’t end up playing. Instead they drink out of copper beer tumblers and nearly impale each other with dangerous marshmallow forks. Then they play I Have Never… which let’s face it, always ends in someone crying themselves to sleep.

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The next morning, Rosie is literally dressed up as Cheryl Cole/Fernandez-Versini in her Fight For This Love video. She observes that she saw “a lot of tactile hand positioning” going on last night between Julius and Binky. Oh matron!

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Francis tells Olivia Bentley that her top is a bit “reptilian” and then kind of dumps her. Too right. He is too busy organising an event to raise awareness for pangolins which are endangered but conveniently also have funny-sounding names.

Proudlock and Sam have a go at Ollie and Rosie for encouraging the Binky/Julius dalliance. They scold Ollie for bringing Julius camping and Rosie is all “well Binky wasn’t crying about it” which indeed she wasn’t.

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The Save The Pangolins event is where Toff and Jess choose to have a few words with Olivia Bentley and Frankie, respectively. Neither conversation goes well, and Jess and Frankie’s happens at the top of a flight of stairs so I wonder for a moment if it’s going to go all Death Becomes Her. Olivia Bentley pretends to cry by a big fireplace after her chat with Toff and tells Julius that Toff had her question whether or not “I am actually a knob?”

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Yes, is the answer.

Word has spread that Binky fed Julius a marshmallow by the campfire and JP is fuming. “Why?” he demands. He then accuses Ollie of orchestrating the whole Julius thing to destroy Binky and JP’s relationship which Ollie then denies (even though that’s exactly what he did).

Next week’s predictions: Olivia Bentley will photograph Fred naked in a pool and they will totally “do it”; JP will hunt Julius down, kill him and put his head in Ollie’s bed; #marshmallowgate will hopefully continue for many an episode to come.

– A

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