Frolicking amid the French lavender, Wheeze reveals that she wouldn’t have puréed Alik’s heart into a loveless pulp if Ryan wasn’t on the scene. Ryan’s the Personal Trainer in case you’d forgotten (I had). So basically she’s throwing away a two year relationship for a man with a large…neck circumference.

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Jess tells Toff that she has met a man called Maxine (or something). Toff scolds her for being a “cheeky sausage” because she kept it a secret. But when he arrives on a motorbike looking like the French God of Desire, all is forgiven. Also they actually seem to like each other which isn’t normally how a relationship on MIC starts.

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Back with the lavender, Tiff is bitchin’ about Sam’s sudden desire to “relive the years when he was 18 and go to Magaluf” which Olivia Bentley points out is “a revolting idea”. Frankie is there too but she only pipes up to say she wouldn’t trust him if she were her, but that’s because she’s been going around acting like SHE’S the one in Magaluf since they all got to France. This provokes a lot of sideways looks between the others.

Elsewhere, Mytton reveals that Frankie has thrown herself at him in a drunken stupor. He decides he must tell Jamie pronto.

Bizarre moment # 1: Victoria and Mark Francis are sort of MAKING OUT! Apparently this is because “in Monaco the weekend is not a cliché”.

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Jess and Maxence are on the beach and they’re just really quite lovely. Despite her insistence on wearing that nose-hoop I do like Jess you know! I do! Long live Jess and Maxine! Contrastingly, over at misery central, Tiff is still looking like she’s sucked about 29 lemons as a wide-eyed and bushy-haired Sam tries to cheer her up.

On their double date with Frankie and Olivia Bentley, Jamie and Francis turn up each with one braid in their hair. One solitary horrid little braid. Francis is also wearing a kaftan (a dress). Jamie forces Francis to snog Olivia Bentley in front of him like some over-pushy pervert. He and Francis then leave the girls to chat for a moment, which is when Frankie tells Olivia Bentley that putting on make-up for Jamie is “a drag” and that their sex life is funny rather than erotically pleasurable.

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Bizarre moment # 2: Sam is creepily playing an accordion and grinning at Tiff in order to placate her ill feelings towards him.

Mark Francis and Victoria bump into Francis and Olivia Bentley at “their canteen” and proceed to start having a ridiculous argument about the seasonal apron colours of the wait staff. MF/V are not impressed with F/OB.

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Mytton and Matt – who is in a polka dot orange shirt that doesn’t do up – tell Jamie about Frankie’s unwanted advances. He doesn’t believe them and so pops off to ask her himself. Frankie has clearly never played a boy like a fiddle before because she runs straight into a trap and accidentally tells him she’s also been passing her number around to French waiters. She backtracks and spins some lies to cover her amateur mistake.

Ollie hosts a party at which he dances behind the BBQ wearing nothing but an apron and a smile. Matt reminds us all that he “wanted to spray” Wheeze and Mytton reminds him that she in actual fact hates him.

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Mark Francis and Victoria tell Toff that they saw Francis and Olivia and that “she was overdressed and he was in a skirt”. Toff decides to approach the couple to say hi (because they didn’t say it to her) but ends up slagging them to their faces and storming off.

Frankie tells Jamie that she did not say their sex life was friendly rather than orgasmic even though it is literally on camera that she in fact did! So she storms off too leaving Jamie to trail his toes in the pool of loneliness once more.

Next week’s predictions: If there’s a God, Mytton will hook up with Frankie and Francis and Toff will have sex on top of Olivia Bentley.

– A

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