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Gracious! Victoria is kayaking! And the river water looks like it could easily be rat infested. She asks Wheeze about choosing between Alik and the big PT and suggests she thinks about who she’d rather throw off a boat or, in other words, murder.

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In case you’re wondering, Francis still skateboards as a means of wooing the fairer sex. Oh, and there’s his token gesture of whipping out a red rose. He is doing this to Toff who is all a-titter, despite Francis’ inexplicable leanings toward Olivia “Plough Me” Bentley.

Oliie is NAKED in the pool, so that he will be bronzed all over for when that French man chooses to reach for his saucisson. Jess demands he hides his modesty and warns him that the gardener is watching, to which Oliie replies “he loves it”. They discuss what happened when the French man kissed Ollie at Binky and Mytton’s weird joint birthday do. “There was handy,” says Ollie. He doesn’t mean it in the good way though.

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Francis draws Toff while she enquires with him about direct flights to Ghana. Why? Oh, no reason.

Alik’s lost the New York weight and is hot again. So hot that when he first arrives at Jamie’s vila I think he is Mytton! He’s pissed off because of the big PT, and that Wheeze is flaunting her new romance on Instagram as if he were a new handbag or pair of spandex gym leggings. Oh and he’s also “got a $40k diamond engagement ring on order” which he makes sure to mention 17 more times this episode.

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Ollie’s playing basketball on some street corner with the French man which is not as good as last week’s fishing date.

There’s trouble in paradise: Sam casually drops the bomb that he “met the right person too young” with regards to Tiff and that she is a nag and that he wants to still be a bachelor. Trouble in mundane, dull, stale paradise.

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Alik is banging on about how everybody needs to just face facts that Wheeze still loves him. Sam suggests that he is perhaps in denial. Alik says that he is absolutely not!

Elsewhere, Wheeze is telling Tiff that Alik’s in denial.

Olivia Bentley downs some vodka and runs off to find Francis so that she can seduce him by continually saying “cringe” and “ohmygodsoembarassing”. These are tactics to divert focus from the fact that she is a home-wrecker.

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Back with Alik, French Ben Haenow is giving his opinion on the matter, even though NOBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE AND NOBODY CARES. Despite having only just met French Ben Haenow, Alik takes his advice and goes to talk to Wheeze and gets all nasty with her. She tells him she’d rather be best friends with him which is basically a massive slap in the face isn’t it.

Gomez Addams breaks up with Ollie (whose hair has kind of gone orange at this point).

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Sam tells Tiff that he thinks he has another stint as a bachelor in him, which Tiff replies to by saying “I’m definitely not going to stay with you forever now”. Sam asks her “why do you say that?” Um, probably because of what you just told her Sam, you silly blonde.

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At Victoria’s polo party, Francis takes some time between riding and ball-whacking to tell Toff that their dalliance is over. She is of course F.U.M.I.N.G and runs straight to Victoria to tell her, who summons Olivia Bentley over to ask her what the FRIG she is playing at? “You are a snake!” observes Toff. Olivia’s comebacks aren’t great. She mentions something about climbing over a gate and how she would never sleep with anyone randomly (Ummm, hello, Alex Mytton was literally ploughing you last week Olivia Bentley)! Victoria, the queen of comebacks, tells Olivia to “have fun with Toff’s leftovers” which Olivia just says “at least he picked me over you, bitch” to as she is escorted out of the polo party, without even a chance to stomp any divots.

Next week’s predictions: Jess has a new BF and he looks to be square-jawed. Maybe he and Wheeze’s personal trainer will have a massive massive jaw-off…

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