French Ben Haenow (whose presence is very much redundant now that Wheeze has a large boyfriend) cannot for the life of him say Toff’s name. He calls her Taff, God love him. He’s discussing her with Boulle and Jamie because it transpires that Boulle shagged Taff last night. Jamie is looking gaunt, sad and a little bit jaundice. He is still reeling from the news that Mytton suggested to Frankie that they make the beast of two backs. That’s what happens Jamie when you let one or more girls sleep in your bed rather than making them curl up on a bathroom towel on your kitchen floor, where they belong.
It’s proving tricky for Binky and Mytton to figure out the logistics of Wheeze and her new boyfriend because he’s apparently rather huge. She is a “PORG” after all. This boy is apparently big in the muscular sense, not the clinically obese sense. Mytton asks what we all want to know: “Has he got a big ding dong?”
Boulle stumbles ‘pon Olivia Bentley whilst returning Sam’s swimming goggles. He just so happens to also be brandishing two wine glasses and a chilled bottle of rosé. Before we know it he has ruddy well taken off his top and is sunbathing on the lounger next to hers. He makes her lather sun cream all over his back as well, despite literally doing the same thing to Toff not hours ago, but in the sexual sense. In an innocent discussion about polo, Boulle mentions “a little stick and balling” which Olivia Bentley OF COURSE equates with “cock and balls”. She is evidently still randy despite being “ploughed” by Mytton last week.
The man with the tiny Gomez Addams moustache is on a fishing date with Ollie who pops his cork and smashes a glass within the first two minutes. It’s all incredibly romantic but their actual chemistry is positively flaccid. Like the flopping fish they will surely extract with their long rods.
Sat on the kind of benches that are extremely difficult to get up and down from, Frankie, Mytton and Jamie are chatting about their special situation. Frankie then tells Jamie to get over it and let’s face it he should.
It’s baguettes and chocolate eclairs for Jess and Toff as they stroll along a French cliff edge swinging a couple of wicker baskets like they’re taking part in the opening sequence of Beauty and the Beast. Toff eats the eclair in possibly the most unsexy way anyone has ever eaten a cream-filled pastry in history. She then rings up Boulle and asks him if he’d “like to perhaps eat some escargot later?” which he graciously accepts under the watching gaze of bitter Olivia Bentley.
“Oh my god he’s enormous,” is Ollie’s reaction to Wheeze’s boyfriend. He may be impressively large but he has an underbite and doesn’t smile. He’s no Alik Alfus, let’s just all face that right now. He swans in and asserts that he and Wheeze are a full blown couple before going off on a gay swim with Ollie. But hang on – Wheeze reveals she is “now thinking about New York”. Yes, Wheeze! We don’t care for this unwelcome giant!
Boulle reveals his intensions to Toff as they eat shell-less escargot: “Would I be able to draw you?”
Mytton is in a very sulky mood. He can barely crack a grimace at his and Binky’s joint birthday party. Is it because he is upset about hurting Jamie? Is he secretly in love with Frankie? Is he jealous about Irish Nicola’s romance with Jean Bernard Fernandez Versini? Does he ACTUALLY want to know if Wheeze’s boyfriend has a giant ding dong?
Speaking of which – Ollie kisses the French man. Whatever.
Boulle gets wind of the fact that Olivia has now developed sexual feelings for him despite previously being repelled by his gold-mining persona. He woos her by suggesting that she looks like a Bond girl. Toff then encroaches on them to mark her territory by peeing around Boulle (if only).
Next week’s predictions: Alik comes to France! Fingers crossed for a bitch fight between him and The SJG (The Square Jawed Giant).