Now, I’m no prude, but dear me Olivia Bentley, you are a DISGRACE to the Bentley brand. The episode opens with her proudly announcing to everyone breakfasting at their hotel that she “got ploughed by Alex Mytton last night”. I mean, couldn’t you just say coyly that you may have given yourself to him, and leave it at that? And Toff “had some sausage in her mouth” (again, Olivia’s words) too. Francis Boulle-flavoured sausage to be precise. Which is slightly skin-crawling given that Olivia was meant to be going out on a date with him. Anyway, as I spray Dettol into my corneas to try and get the image of Mytton “ploughing” the heiress of Bentley motors out of my brain, Steph says that she wonders how everyone will react seeing as when she once LOOKED at Mytton everyone practically started chasing her with pitchforks out of Chelsea chanting “burn the witch!”

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Meanwhile, in a similarly awkward exchange, Mytton and Boulle are together comparing vaginal notes. It would appear that Mytton is back to blacking out again and having torrid sexual adventures. He then reveals he and Irish Nicola are no more! But it’s okay, because she has moved on to Jean Bernard Fernandez Versini.

Elsewhere, Tiff, Ollie and Jess all receive pretend messages and perform faux shocked reactions to them. The worst actor is Tiff, followed by Jess, followed by Ollie, but that makes sense because he’s been doing it longer than those two.

On a mountainside with the newly arrived Frankie, Jamie’s got a bandana on and doing the sort of thing he always does with girls saying stuff along the lines of “how much do you like me out of 10?” He then tells her that he was “having the best time and then you turned up” swiftly adding “joking” at the end, even though he just literally told the absolute truth. In what isn’t really a natural question, Frankie asks Jamie if anyone slept in his bed before she got there. We already know someone did, and he admits it. She (reasonably) says that she can surely do that too with other boys; but he forbids it because clearly Jamie is the Lord God All Mighty.

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Mytton tells Olivia Bentley that “ploughing” her was a horrible horrible mistake. She pretends she doesn’t care but walks off saying “good luck keeping your dick in your pants” like the bitter bitter heiress that she is.

Boulle establishes with Toff that he and she are allowed to lick other peoples’ ice creams having already tasted one another’s sausages (Toff doesn’t have a sausage, don’t worry).

Hot-yet-unappealing Matt tells Jamie that word on the street is that Jamie said being with Frankie is like a full-time job. Jamie is of course outraged at this and says: “No, what I actually said was that it’s like a full-time job.”

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Just as Sam is asking Wheeze how it feels to be the old spinster of the group, that French man from last week just happens to be walking past them along the relief road. He reminds me of Ben Haenow circa X Factor 2014. He is French Ben Haenow.

Mark Francis takes Binky to learn French so he can flirt with the teacher. But she gets distracted and starts “drawing peoples’ extremities” (which I think means cock pics).

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Apparently we call Toff “Toffee” now.

Shit the bed! Mytton tried to get with Frankie in the back of a car. He held her hand and suggested that they would be a great couple. Frankie tells Tiff, who tells Sam, while Frankie goes and tells Jamie off for letting two girls top-and-tail with him. She tells him he’s not worth it. She appears to have grown some balls whilst off doing her Advanced Maths A-Level.

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Boulle and Bentley (sounds like a solicitors) go on a romantic date. He tells her he paints and she likes him more because of it, given that she pretends to be a photographer. At Boulle’s wine tasting, he takes Bentley for a stroll amid the vines and Toff(ee) and Jess approach them with determination in their eyes. They would like to know why (A) Olivia Bentley is all over Boulle all of a sudden and (B) Boulle would rather hang out with someone who says things like “plough”. They all beat around the bush (or in this case grapevine) and nothing is resolved.

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Jamie won’t replenish Sam’s wine because he is annoyed that he spread around what Jamie said about Frankie being akin to a full-time job behind the till at Best Buy. Sam can’t be dealing with that shit and just tells everyone that Mytton was giving Frankie the glad-eye behind Jamie, Irish Nicola and Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini’s back.

Next week’s predictions: Jamie will sulk; so will Toff; so will Jean-Bernard. And Wheeze’s square-jawed boyfriend will make an appearance, consequently upsetting French Ben Haenow and American Alik.

– A

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