This summer, America is OUT and France is IN! Much like skinny jeggings and fox hunting.
When last we saw Jamie, he was forcing Frankie to have a relationship with him because he “literally adores her”, despite flaunting his wares all over town. She accepted the explanation of why he just HAD to fondle another girl and they rode happily off Into the sunset. But Jamie’s in France now alone because Frankie’s at home doing her exams. Why does he only ever date girls who are still doing their A-Levels? Remember Tara circa season 5? Anyway he’s loving that she’s not there and clearly doesn’t give a flying frig.
And Francis Boulle is there too! OMFG! Oh My Francis God! He’s just layin’ on a deck chair talking to 11 French women. There’s even a scene when he’s playing actual boules! Don’t you just wanna DIE?
Binky knows how to say “the rabbit sits on the roof” in French so she’s all set for the holiday.
Mark Francis has a house in Cannes. Victoria doesn’t have a boat but she “will do one day” (presumably when she kills her parents?? #lizzieborden).
Steph and Tiff still aren’t taking even though Steph didn’t do anything wrong and it was EIGHT THOUSAND YEARS AGO! Yet Tiff’s still walking around with a face like a slapped croissant. Steph stumbles across Tiff at a restaurant and apologises under the impression that Tiff will reciprocate the gesture which she of course doesn’t. Steph later extends the olive branch further by suggesting a spa day, which Tiff accepts looking at her as if she’s just been asked to go on a joint trip to get an enema.
Binky is helping Ollie take photographs for his new French Tinder/E-Harmony/Plenty Of Fish/Grindr profile. She suggests he “bend over”. She also asks him if he’s a tunnel or a train (which we are all dying to know!) That’ll be Grindr then. He later gets sent what one can only assume is a dick pic. The girls are horrified by this, failing to realise that a dick pic is essentially the gays’ way of saying “Hi there!”
At the beach, a French man walks past and establishes himself as the token foreign love interest for the season, open to whoever’ll have have him. Turns out he is a nude graffiti artist. So basically a vandal and a pervert.
Olivia Bentley (who invited HER?) is embarrassing herself. At the mention of boys, men or penises she perks up. So far in this episode she has declared that she needs “some dick” and “a French sausage”. Pop onto Grindr, love!
How exciting – a boat party. Only the boat just remains tied up in the harbour the whole time. Maybe they couldn’t get a filming license. Jess has brought along a man for Ollie called Yacine, which is a bit like Vaccine but not. He and Ollie flirt shamelessly. Look, I’m just not okay with this, okay?
Boulle sets his diamond-mining sights on Olivia Bentley and tells her he thought she was a French girl. “Is it because I look thick as shit?” she asks. #racism
The new French boy has found his way onto this boat and chats up Wheeze. They then conduct a conversation using just cliches and we all hate him because we liked Alik.
It transpires that Jamie slept in the same bed as some random woman last night and literally none of us are shocked about it. As if on cue, Frankie arrives as a surprise and Jamie looks about as happy to see her as I do when I do my tax return. Mytton then says “the party’s now 100% over” which I’m sure is just what Frankie wants to hear as she arrives on holiday to surprise her friends.
Next week’s predictions: Mytton seems to have been up to his old sexual tricks with Olivia Bentley and Frankie!! But it’s okay because Irish Nicola has been getting it on with Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini.