If you’ll remember from last week, Sam went to Steph’s prom much to the chagrin of Tiff. But it’s okay because apparently Tiff “is not a controlling person” (lol). She tells Sam he “can do whatever he wants” (loooollllls). She also says that she “doesn’t care” that he went to the party (Tiff, honestly, my mascara’s running).

She then looks like she’s been sick in her mouth.

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Well, Matt has certainly come out of his shell since he burst onto the scene two weeks ago with all his talk of skiing and surfing and modelling and generally over compensating for the fact that he doesn’t have a personality by flaunting his skier/surfer/model lifestyle even though all those things are not something we, the viewers, want to hear about. He is telling JP and Jamie about the “funny chat” he had with Wheeze and then says he’d like to “bone” her and “fuck everyone”. My word. He should have opened with that two weeks ago, I would have been kinder.

He ALSO then looks like he might be sick in his mouth.

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At home, Rosie is dressed as a clown. Her FaceTime goes off and it’s poor distraught Alik, calling from America to cry about Wheeze. Apparently his Dad – AKA Mitch (not Buchannon) – has let him escape the shekels of leather craftsmanship for a life in England. This changes EVERYTHING.

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Matt summons Jess before his date with Wheeze for a quickie break up, even though they have never had any electricity between them stronger than a 12 watt lightbulb. He then tells her to hurry the fuck up and get out because Wheeze is coming. Jess basically calls him uncool and she leaves muttering “Goodbye forever”. Despite the fact that she stands to be humiliated here, she owns the situation, which is made even better when Wheeze cancels on Matt via the medium of last-minute-text-message. So much for all that boning and fucking.

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Victoria thinks JP is wet, and so not worth Binky’s sorrow. Mark Francis rightly points out that in a relationship “you really need a big one” (spark/boat/yaught). He also claims that JP should be grateful to Binky for making him “into a human being”, as if he were previously Pinocchio.

Steph is over Lucy, and says she really should have been paying Steph during those three years of friendship. I think she means Lucy is hard work, not that Steph was simultaneously doing her tax returns.

The token gays are loving that their photo of Sam and Steph has caused outrage. Like a couple of carpet sharks (those are real species FYI) they are sniffing the waters for more gossip, which Toff provides them by recounting how Tiff has been “aggie” with Sam. The boys skip off to see Tiff right away to tell her that Toff’s been bitchin’ (even though all she was doing was telling the truth). Tiff then says “I’m such a chilled out girlfriend” (LOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)

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Wheeze announces that she has in fact hooked up with guys since she and Alik broke up (five minutes ago). WHY did you cancel on hot, boning Matt then, I ask?

They all go to a stately home and its all deck chairs, raspberries and champagne pyramids. Binky mourns the fact that Janie never let her play the violin, and Ollie says “I imagine you more a double bass kind of gal”. I can see her as a flautist actually, but whatever.

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Tiff speaks to Toff about what she said to the gays and Toff just says “you’re in a grump” to her, which I could literally kiss her for. Tiff starts to sort of shake and convulse a bit and says that Toff has issues (Tiff, you’re killing me with your comedy this week). Sam, ever the romantic, says he thinks that they should “just spin that roulette wheel” referring to their wild crazy romance. I see where the roulette symbolism works here, but think its more RUSSIAN roulette actually.


Frankie seems to be over Jamie’s infidelity and says she’ll be his girlfriend. He then makes her “swear on her life” to be his girlfriend, which is just fucking weird.

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Alik and Wheeze talk on the phone (expensive) and she invites him to St Tropez with her and the others for the summer. He smiles, which is nice, and says “I love the shit out of you”, which is horrid.

Lucy says SORRY to Steph and the Earth literally shudders on its axis. But then they argue again and Lucy storms off, so whatever.

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JP and Binky have another chat in front of a nice wallpapered wall. There are two “bubs” this week and about eight “bubbas” but JP says them so fast I can’t keep count.

I hope they reconcile over the summer so I can refrain from using bubbawatch as a method of hiding my pain over their split. Only time will tell…

– A

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