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Steph’s 30 (which makes me feel better about my life) and she is running around London dropping off little boxes with her party invitations in them like a little 30-year-old pixie. Despite the totes awks interchange between her and Wheeze in the Maldives, they are friends again and Wheeze will be in attendance at the Prom-themed party. A little concerned that she is now single, having unceremoniously smashed Alik’s heart with a metaphorical sledgehammer, Rosie says: “It’s fine we’ll go together as lesbians.”

I can’t decide if this is sweet or a little lesbianic but Toff has put a framed photographic collage of her and Jess on her desk at The Lady. I’m not sure that the ladies at The Lady would condone ladies who like ladies. We also learn that The Lady enforce an inter-office tea/coffee/cake/biscuits caste system.

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Dull-but-hot Matt comes a little further out of the non-interesting closet this week. He bumps into Wheeze and practically flirts her knickers off. Apparently his last relationship was based only on sex. Goodness. Wheeze blushes like a Dutch nun.

Lucy receives her boxed invitation to Steph’s party and chucks it in the bin. James suggests she instead leaves it on a fence but we all know Lucy endorses eco-friendly bitching.

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BREAKING NEWS. All this time, we’ve been drinking dust. Regular tea bags that the poor use are actually made from factory floor dust. Mark Francis knows this because he “knows someone who owns a tea plantation”. He is giving Toff a tutorial in tea etiquette because of the rules at The Lady. He also busts another myth – we’re not supposed to raise our pinkies when we drink tea from a cup! Life will literally never be the same again. Toff then “cheerses” with her cup and Victoria threatens to smack her.

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Janie and JP have an almost mother/son-in-law chat. As per, Janie says it how it is. “Whatever girl you end up with, she will have faults,” she says, her pearls of wisdom practically spilling out all over the bar. “You stand to lose so much, please don’t do that,” she says, a wise glint in her soulful eyes.

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Liv stirs the pot between Jamie and Jess and Toff shouts at her about it. What would be perfect is if she then slapped her but she refrains.

Steph’s prom party is more “Carrie” and less “She’s All That” as it seems to be happening at a village hall. Sam is there, despite Tiff forbidding it. But it’s okay because she’ll NEVER find out.

Sex pest Matt starts undressing Wheeze with his eyes from across the indoor village basketball court and then asks her out. This is before the ink has even dried on her cancelled green card papers for her life with Alik. He mugs Jess off by saying nothing is going on with them. Wheeze clearly doesn’t think its the best idea, yet accepts. She tells him not to give too much thought to what they’re going to do on their date but he says “I’m gonna think about it all night long”. He’s DIRTY.

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Steph is crowned prom queen, and Sam wins prom king, which he celebrates by getting up on stage and screaming “fuck off” reteadedly. THAT didn’t happen in She’s All That!

That Tom kid is there, with his camera phone poised to take a sneaky pic of Steph and Sam embracing as the king and queen of the village hall and sends it to bitter Fraser who immediately projects it onto the wall of the bar that he is drinking with Tiff and Lucy in.

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#bubbawatch

Binky and JP lock themselves in a classroom and for a small moment we think everything’s going to be sorted out. But nothing is resolved. And “bubba” is only uttered a mere three times. Things must be bad.

Next week’s predictions: I suppose Tiff will have a mare over the fact that Sam has had a nice time at a party; I suppose Matt will try and sex up Wheeze; I suppose “bubba” will only be said once.

– A

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