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This week’s token show of masculinity involves a climbing wall, tight little shorts and I suspect the grabbing of one another’s lunchboxes when no one else is watching. It transpires that Jamie hasn’t not gone out on the weekend since he was four. That will change. I love a Saturday night at home in chequered PJ bottoms with a pint of Phish Food, my Desperate Housewives box set and a nice cool kitchen floor to pass out on at 4am.

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Wheeze and Sam’s mother is back and she’s regressed in age. They’re all laughing at Sam because he has to wear glasses (which is a bit 1992 isn’t it because last time I checked glasses were “cool”). Sam has selected round ones though when his face would have suited rectangular, which is a bit of s shame. Oh and apparently Wheeze has dumped Alik but she’s not sure whether he’s realised or not.

Jamie took Frankie to Digestive Towers at the weekend to meet Lord and Lady McVitie and flapjack the cat. Apparents, they said that Frankie “is the nicest one yet” of all the girls he’s banged. With the other boys, Jamie points out that he didn’t cheat when they recently went skiing even though they all know he did so there is a massive elephant literally sitting in the middle of them all.

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HUGE NEWS! Ollie is “all in” the non-gay-closet. Get out the rainbow beach towels, glow sticks and your Princess Diaries 2 DVD immediately! Steph is so thrilled she looks a little bit like she might have just had an O. As if Pamela Bach herself had dropped them there, two other gays appear. It’s Fraser from last week and his BF Tom who actually looks like he could be his brother. They’ve been together 7 months and are moving in together which may seem hasty but 7 months in the gay world is actually about 2.5 years in real time. The tragic truth is that Tom’s finger will be caressing that Grindr re-install button at around the 12 month mark. Steph and Ollie invite them on a gay night out which they accept. I was on the fence last week about Fraser but he proves this week to be a bitch.

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Richard and Jess have a barney outside Louis Vitton because he’s been giving Toff the runaround innit.

In New York, Alik has a “serious chat” with his dad Mitch who encourages him to go to England and fight fight fight fight fight for this love. “Love is enough,” Mitch says, despite the fact that he has had multiple marriages and has chosen instead to dedicate his life to leather clothing.

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Bitter Fraser and his brother-from-another-mother-lover Tom are dining with Jess and Toff. Fraser states that he shall “absolutely not” be joining Ollie and Steph on their gay night out and that he only said he would to be cordial. Steph and Ollie are simultaneously on said gay night out and Steph suggests messaging them to tell them where they are, to which Ollie says “do”. Why do they even WANT Fraser there with his pinched mouth?

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Tom receives (a text) and then slags off Steph for inviting them while they’re already out. Before he can express his true outrage, Matt walks in, who is attractive. Jess gives him the glad-eye as he explains that he’s been to South Africa (obviously) skiing and surfing (obviously) and doing a couple of photo shoots (obviously).

Tiff corners Jamie and forces him to admit that he fondled someone whilst skiing. He lies that he didn’t and then admits three seconds later that he obviously did. “Of course you did,” cries Tiff. “No-one JUST kisses anymore.” Wouldn’t YOU know about that Tiff?

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Binky and JP are having a “shin ding”. It’s the kind where pears are in baskets and cheese is displayed on logs of wood. There’s also indoor skittles!

Matt has invited himself and it’s super awks because apparently he has been trying to lure Lucy away from James’ embrace. To make matters worse he has a go at skittles in front of her and doesn’t knock any down, which Lucy makes a point of laughing really hard at so as to demean.

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Elsewhere, at a bar, Toff and Jess are talking about Fraser and Tom and how great they are. I think even the word “divine” is thrown around. Why is everyone gushing over these two when neither of them have yet to crack a smile or be nice people?

Fresh from the airport, Alik goes to Wheeze and Sam’s house. But she’s at the shin ding. So Sam takes Alik – along with his bespoke leather bag – to find her.

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Jamie tells Frankie that he cheated despite the fact that he “adores” her and has lied continually to her. Whilst I presumed Frankie would be meek about the whole thing she is refreshingly cut throat. “I think you’re an asshole and I don’t believe anything you say,” she declares. He pulls the old “but I only want to be with you” trick out the bag and stutters in an attempt to seem foolhardy but she ain’t having none of that. “Have fun, bye” she says, and off she goes to mingle. Jamie then goes outside with Mytten who casually slips into conversation that he also cheated on the ski trip and yet Irish Nicola has already got over it. You kept THAT quiet, didn’t you, Made In Chelsea?! Both of them sort of start to well up and blame their infidelic ways on “the time of year.” Tis the season.

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Then, if all that isn’t enough to make you want to weep into your nightdress, Alik romantically arrives to surprise Wheeze and she simply clarifies that she has made up her mind and it’s OVER. If you look closely you can actually pinpoint the moment Alik’s heart breaks. It’s really quite sad and not actually funny.

Next week’s predictions: I feel that Matt will use Jess as a way to get to Lucy. I hope he’s better at skiing, surfing and doing photo shoots than he is at playing skittles.

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