To make up for shagging someone else, Tiff has made Sam breakfast in bed and shaped the mozzarella into a heart to remind him she loves him. You know, despite the infidelity and extra-curricular shagging. “How did you do that?” Sam asks her RE: the mozzarella heart, as if cutting such a shape out of cheese is something only the likes of Delia Smith and Ainsley Harriott could possibly achieve.


At the park, Irish Nicola has some disastrous gossip for Frankie, and pretends that she feels uncomfortable telling her about it. Apparently, Jamie has ALREADY begun cheating on her. Normally he waits at least a couple of weeks before once again proving that no-one from the McVities dynasty can hold on to a woman.

Lucy has a gay BF called Fraser who she has only chosen to unearth now for some reason. I can’t decide whether or not I hate him. He is quite blunt and derogative (as all good gays should be). He tells Lucy that before he made her acquaintance he heard she was a right old bitch. He also remarks that she and James are cringe because they are openly happy (which is true).


Alik Skypes Wheeze and doesn’t really look at her. So he really may as well have just phoned her via regular telephony methods rather than activated his webcam especially.

Richard and Toff continue their weird courtship. He takes her to “the control room of a man-made star” – not to perform experiments on her with a probe but to serve her dinner and wine. Toff drinks loads and gets aggressive with him.


Jamie is treating Frankie to oysters and predictably pointing out that they are aphrodisiacs. She then addresses the rumours that he has been dunking his digestive into another girl’s tea. He denies it, obvs. She then says “swear on your life”, and deserves to be dumped for the use of that statement alone.

At a painting class, Olivia Bentley suggests that Binky’s artwork looks rather vaginal. Are you still even HERE, Olivia Bentley? Binky announces that she did “leisure and recreation” at A-Level. What even IS that? Lying around and playing golf?


Toff meets Jess with the news that Richard has once again pied her off, which is beyond Toff because, frankly, it was a delight.

Tiff asks Lucy why she still hasn’t apologised to Sam, and Lucy points out that Sam has not wanted to see her, consequently using this as an excuse not to say sorry, despite the fact that the reason he doesn’t want to see her is BECAUSE she hasn’t apologised. “You’ve got a hair on your face,” Tiff says in response to this.


Mytton and Jamie have a little bit of a lover’s tiff over the fact that Irish Nicola told Frankie that Jamie has been melting his chocolate hob-nob into someone else’s condensed milk.

Olivia says that “if we listened to all the rumours in Chelsea we’d all end up hating each other and single,” which is essentially the mantra of the show isn’t it? Without rumours and people hating each other and being single what else is there to do?


Lucy apologises to Sam without actually apologising, as only Lucy could do.

Binky confuses The Wizard Of Oz with Cinderella. We’ve all been there.


Next week’s predictions: I can feel it in my waters than Alik and Wheeze are not long for this world. I am referring to their relationship, not that they are about to both die in a freak sheep shearing accident.

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