Small heartbroken Sam is lying around the the house lamenting his relationship with Tiff, that came crashing down around him in the Maldives like a Maldivian typhoon of dirty dirty lies. He is lying with his arm behind his head, so as to showcase his “TW” tattoo, which he got for Tiffany Watson. Never mind Sam, there are plenty of other things you could say it stands for: “Tony Wainthorpe” is just one example. Wheeze is being all sisterly and has got the willow pattern china tea cups out, and chucked on a damask top so as to appear comforting.

Some of the boys are wearing black spandex and are running around a muddy obstacle course called “Back 2 the Trenches” which is somewhere that posh boys can go to make them feel as if they could handle it in World War I, even though we all know they’d be the first ones dead.


Ollie is getting his greys done. Apparently “the gayer he gets, the greyer he gets” but he seems to be getting less gay these days. Please go out with a boy Ollie! Me, you ask? Oh, okay then. He is also listening to Richard talk about the most recent night he spent with Toff where she wanted to stay up til 5am. Evidently Richard likes to be snuggled up in bed with a nice Jackie Collins and a Maxwell House by 10:15.

Sam’s been sending Tiff abusing texts (or SMS messages for our more traditional readers) saying that Tiff’s not attractive and because she also has no personality she really should get a makeover.


Toff would like to try Richard before she buys him.

Why is Jamie at a sweet shop buying sweets when he has the Candy Kittens Empire? And the McVities fortune? Correct me if I’m wrong but don’t McVities do Jaffa Cakes? Mytten is with him. Jamie explains that Frankie met up with her ex for a warm drink. Mytten asks if it was coffee or hot chocolate, because coffee is innocent but hot chocolate brings with it the promise of a blow job.


Jamie then invites Sam out into the park for some hot chocolate! Do with that what you will.

Whilst sitting in a cafe with Lucy, James, JP and Binky, Digby smacks his face on the table. While the barrister calls the RSPCA, JP shares that he enjoyed snorkelling with Binky in the Maldives and cycling with the boys, leaving Binky with pursed lips.


Richard takes Toff to yoga and she basically shouts all the way through it.


Lucy and Sam have a face-to-face during which she spins it so that it comes out that Sam has deep-rooted issues with her. Even though all he’s doing is expressing that she shouldn’t have been so bitchy to him when she knew that Tiff had been wading her toes into the lagoon of another man’s thighs. Sam then says he will “go huge on her ass” and she is all “don’t threaten me bitch” (I added the words “ass” and “bitch” to that).

Toff has a wine and cheese evening and Janie is there, but sadly does not speak and let’s face it, that’s a WASTE. Toff tells Binky that she’s basically only really throwing the party so Richard can see she eats cheese and “wears long dresses”.


Across the room, Rosie says that she could “live and breathe cheese” and that she loves a nice big slab (of cheese). Olivia doesn’t like cheese. Oh fuck off home then love! Rosie, Olivia and Wheeze start bitchin’ about Lucy who sort of falls down the stairs behind them. They all do the fake “hi”, “hi”, “haven’t seen you in ages” thing and Wheeze then laughs nervously at Lucy’s sour face as she tries to explain that Lucy has been rather a bitch to Sam. Olivia chimes in but no-one cares.


Meanwhile, Sam is at home staring longingly at the suit that he has strategically hung in the doorway of the living room, wishing he was at the party.


Victoria and Mark Francis make friends and hug, but she has to ask if it’s a real hug because typically these two don’t do fuzzy.


Sam turns up, the suit no longer on a hanger but instead on his small body. He walks straight over to Tiff and only ruddy lets her off the ruddy hook! How dull.

Next Week’s Predictions: Digby will finally take the bull by the horns and go and see Charlene at Dogs’ Protection.

– A

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