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The Watson sisters have got their drama trombones out again and are referring to James’ giving two women a lift in a car as a “web of lies”. But it’s okay, because he bought Lucy a Chloë bag for her birthday, even though she “already has everything and more”.

Toff is telling Mark Francis and Jess that she and Richard have FINALLY entwined around each other’s body, in an act of sexualisation. This came about after she spent the evening “dancing on his table top to a bit of Ronan Keating”. Whatever floats your boat, Richard. Mark Francis says it all sounds dire, which, let’s fact it, it does. Nonetheless, we would all like to see Toff and Richard get together and have aryan children.

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Jamie, who is notoriously bad at relationships, is once again pressuring a girl (Frankie) to refer to him as her boyfriend. He also brings her a gigantic teddy bear, which I think is in fact evil.

A select few have been asked to go to the Maldives with Steph. I would like to know – with these kind of trips where one person “invites” the others, are THEY meant to be paying for it? Obviously the trip is being funded by the production, but I would like to know the answer to this please. Anyway, JP and Binky are going, but JP makes it perfectly clear that he will only be spending 76% of the time in Binky’s company because he’d rather hang out with Mytten and Sam (why?!)

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At drinks, Toff and Richard cross paths and are as stiff as a pair of planks (not in the good way). It’s all a bit polite, regardless of the fact that last time they saw each other her legs were presumably around his neck. Ollie loves the prospect of this and tries to make it happen again by ploughing them with shots. The pair sensibly decide to have a proper chat over a cup of tea about it, at a place with transparent tea pots, as is the fashion.

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Even though she has happily used Steph to get a free holiday, Wheeze descends into the Maldives and immediately declares that Steph brings nothing to her life. Except for a free holiday.

Back in London, the bitter club have congregated. Lucy is SO bitter that she’s not on the holiday, but she should really be at home keeping an eye on James and her car anyway. She instead decides to spread misery with the rest of the Maldives rejects, by demanding that Jamie introduces her to Frankie for judgement, and telling Jess she should stay away from Jamie now that he is sexing someone else.

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FINALLY, Steph stands up for herself against the others, namely Wheeze, who joins Binky and Steph on the edge of the pool (which has a stingray in it!?) and starts bitchin’. Steph is all “why did you come on this holiday then?” And I shout “you sing it sister” to my TV.

REMINDER: Steph simply made a passing remark that Mytten was attractive!!!!! Build a massive bridge, and get over it everyone.

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The next morning (and BTW Steph and Wheeze were sharing a room so I’d love to know how they overcame THAT little issue) Irish Nicola says “I’m just putting up with Steph”. And yet SHE TOO is freeloading on this holiday. This leads to a confrontation on the pier during which Steph calls Irish Nicola “a fucking sheep” (because she’s copying everyone else’s opinions, not because she has hoofed feet and woollen skin).

Down the beach, JP is explaining to Sam and Mytten that tensions have been high around Binky and him. “I mean, I offered to get her and Louise a drink and everything,” he says. She doesn’t want a DRINK JP, she wants a candlelit dinner for two on the furthest-away part of the beach, with a private waiter who may or may not be wearing pants under his apron. Sam explains how he feels when he sees Tiff. “I feel like ‘ah, my litre one’s here'” he says. And I throw up in my mouth.

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Victoria tries to tell Mark Francis about what happened last week with Rosie, and he’s all “I really don’t care.” She then starts to CRY, proving she does indeed know how to.

Everyone’s on the beach frolicking, leaving Steph out like a bunch of bitches. Sam makes a passing comment that he wishes James was there and immediately feels the need to explain to Tiff that he doesn’t mean he wants James there INSTEAD of her. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL!?

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Steph reminds Tiff that she knows a secret about her past. A secret that only Lucy also knows. And that if she doesn’t stop being a bitch behind her back, this secret could accidentally tumble from her mouth. A hysterical Tiff then panics and decides to tell Sam before Steph does. Evidently she lied last year about kissing someone and actually she allowed this person to install his P into her V! O. M. G! Sam then tells her he DESPISES her! Goodness.

Next week’s predictions: Everyone will now totally blame Steph for this, even though, once again, all she’s done is say some words that people don’t like hearing.

– A

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