So apparently Alik has been dodging Wheeze’s transatlantic attempts to FaceTime him; and to rub salt into that bitter BITTER wound, he’s been all up in social media’s grill, flaunting his crazy New York partying. Wheeze isn’t happy and so cries about it over a cup-o-tea with Rosie, who sits there stiffly uttering paltry noises of disinterested sympathy. When Wheeze finally reaches him on FaceTime, he kindly lets her know that he “has had opportunities to be with other people” which isn’t nice for Wheeze to hear, and she put makeup on for this video chat and everything.

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James is riding a horse and tells it to “canter bitch!” giving the nation an exclusive first-look at what his and Lucy’s sex life is like.

Despite his panting and staring last week at wonton goddess Jessica Molly (who, at the weekend, I referred to as Molly Elizabeth – what AM I like?!) Jamie has seemingly got some other bird on the go. Her name is Frankie (not from The Saturdays) and you can see her gums. Vicious bitter Olivia Bentley is delighted at the prospect of Jamie squelching Jessica Molly’s heart into sweet oblivion. She also went to school with Frankie (obvs). We also learn that Olivia won an award for having a short skirt and her house was known as “slut house”. You know – because they were all whores.

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Steph and Tiff meet up to discuss how Steph’s chat went with Lucy (whose birthday is coming up by the way). Steph has ordered Tiff a tea. Tiff says “I like tea. I already had coffee today anyway” Quick, someone call the caffeine police! And the conversation police for that matter.

Tallulah’s back. She’s mellowed a bit and it sounds like she’s been practising her American accent.

While shopping for orthopaedic footwear, Jess and Olivia run into Frankie (because Olivia phoned her and told her to meet them at the orthopaedic shoe shop). Frankie tells the girls that she and Jamie have yet to go on one date yet, despite him running around telling everyone they’re practically the new Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart.

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Of course Jamie has booked a date with Jessica Molly on the same evening as his date with Frankie. Rather than doing the normal thing and lying to one of them that he has an appointment at the dietician, he leaves Jessica Molly and runs to meet Frankie where he tells her that he obviously likes her because he ran there (leaving out that he ran FROM the open arms of another woman). Frankie asks when his last date was, to which he answers “recently”, prompting her to sort of stroke her shoulders from the front.

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Tiff calls Lucy elderly because she is about to turn 25 and immediately ostracises everyone who started watching MIC in their mid-twenties five years ago when Tiff was just a mere afterthought in the minds of the nation.

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Binky orchestrates some sort of drinks in order to get Rosie and Victoria together to chat about the row they had, like, a thousand years ago (at Christmas). Remember? The one that wasn’t even anything to do with them, it was between Ollie and Mark Francis. Rosie wears a tuffet for the occasion and within three seconds Victoria has commented on Rosie’s nasty face and the fact that she doesn’t have any impact on her life in the slightest. All in all, a rip roaring success.

Steph’s been crying way too much and it’s only Spring! Okay?!

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Lucy goes shopping and says that she already has “everything and more”. Alright love!

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Rosie FaceTimes Alik and Wheeze (Wheeze has flown over to NYC for crisis talks) and the connection is much worse than when Wheeze FaceTimed him earlier in the episode, which leads me to believe that Alik has some sort of Firewall up against Rosie.

At Lucy’s birthday party, from which Steph is unceremoniously uninvited and excluded, Steph thinks it’s appropriate to phone Tiff for a chat and invite everyone at the party bar Lucy on holiday together.

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As if that doesn’t ruin Lucy’s birthday enough, Sam innocently (and rightly) points out that everyone tells little lies (tell me sweet little lies, tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies). All he means is stuff like “yes I put the bins out” when you didn’t or, “yes you can pull off a fur muff”. Catastrophically, this accidentally leads James to own up to a lie from about sixteen years ago when he gave some girl a lift in his car. It was actually Lucy’s car and there were two girls and they were probably whores. But the cat’s out the bag now.

And to really just fuck Lucy over for good, Tiff is wearing what can only be described as “a birthday dress”, resultantly upstaging her sister.

Happy friggin’ birthday!!

Next week’s predictions: With the advert showing Tiff hysterical on a beach, she’s either cheated on Sam or had her rhinoplasty cancelled.

– A

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