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There are two very important things to learn from this episode:

1) Steph is 100% in the right and everyone has blown this comment she made RIDICULOUSLY out of all proportion!

2) Jessica Molly is quite fit.

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Rosie and Wheeze run into Mytton whilst…well, running. Wheeze remarks that the gloves he is wearing are creepy. They are. “I need them,” he insists. Yeah – for shoplifting from the local Waitrose, I think wryly to myself. The spectre of Steph rears its head, because Wheeze and Rosie have taken it upon themselves to get overly involved and worked up about it. “Would you date Steph if you were single?” they ask. “No,” he lies.

There’s a driving range with sofas in it. The boys are knocking some balls about. JP announces that he and Binky officially said the L word (Lesbian?) and Sam says that Tiff is very easy (going).

Why would she need to be easy (going), you ask? Because quell surprise, little Sammy T has had his bottom out again. No, he hasn’t been to Pleasuredome in Waterloo, he’s been on a stage somewhere on a night out with a bunch of whores. Toff makes sure everyone hears about it, by circulating the photographic evidence.

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Tiff says she doesn’t care about the pictures of Sam mugging her off, yet she has gone and got a haircut that accentuates her more pointed features as a form of passive aggression.

Lucy’s still angry with Steph. She tells James how angry she is, but says says it like she’s having an orgasm (which she probably is, because she loves all that dramatic shit).

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There’s a restaurant in existence at which you have to syringe balls of lard with balsamic vinegar (or something like that). Sam and Tiff are there, with Jessica Molly and Jamie, in an attempt to set them up. I’m sorry, but I’m loving Jessica Molly. On paper, I should hate her. She’s new, she’s friends with Tiff and she brushes her hair behind her ear constantly by means of a flirting tactic. But she’s so pretty. Plus she slags off that Bentley chick, which is fine by me because that bitch deserves it.

The boys are enjoying some sort of weird candlelit swimming session. I think they actually ARE at Pleasuredome in Waterloo.

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Back at dinner, Tiff and Jessica Molly slag off Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars and Sam defends her. Sam and Tiff then have a row and Tiff cries (of course) while Jamie and Jessica Molly laugh at their expense.

Mytton comes fresh from the gay sauna and tells Irish Nicola that Steph innocently commented that he has a nice face once. Irish Nicola then has a go at him even though he hasn’t done anything.

Ollie says this about Lucy: “She’s hard work and an asshole.” My, my.

Sam says this about Irish Nicola: “She’s braining hard mate.” That’s just all kinds of wrong.

Lucy asks this about Steph: “Is she thick?” Goodness.

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Irish Nicola and Steph then meet up and Irish Nicola essentially tells Steph that all the girls have been calling her a big big whore.

Jamie is hosting one of those dinner parties where he basically doesn’t host it at all, just hires a restaurant and gets people to wait on them. Also he has written place cards, so that’s something.

JP is wearing some kind of smoking jacket to this, and Binky is wearing a very naughty little number, in which she looks fabulous. Lucy is wearing a wedding dress and has positioned herself atop the staircase so as to smirk ‘pon the others from on high.

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Wheeze snaps at Steph RE: the Mytton drama. She is all “you can’t go after him as he’s not single” as if she has never indulged in adultery before with Niall from One Direction and that rodent-looking guy from last season.

Oh no – I spy that Jessica Molly has a nose piercing. She has just lost a point.

Olivia starts having it with Jessica Molly and everyone else laughs about it. Olivia is so wound up that she shouts “stop fucking talking about me, you freak” across the table, like…well, a freak. Jessica Molly assures Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars that she doesn’t know her surname. Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars then says “oh please” because EVERYONE must know that she is a Bentley of Bentley cars. She certainly has a face like one.

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Steph and Lucy go outside to have a row, because they are ladies. No calling anyone a fucking freak across the dinner table from these two. Instead, Lucy calls Steph a fucking bitch as she storms off (won’t her dinner get cold?) Steph looks crestfallen and I well up a little bit, I really do.

Next week’s predictions: I reckon Jamie and Jessica Molly will probably shag; and I reckon something’s gotta give RE: Steph, because this whole thing is just silly now, isn’t it girls?

– A

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