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Did you happen to catch the shots taken of Brooklyn Beckham at Coachella being all hipster with his randomly braided strands of hair? Well Jamie is dressed this way, whilst pointlessly visiting a show room of cars with Ollie, James and Mytton. Except Jamie’s hair doesn’t separate, let alone braid. We all know that flashy cars are purchased by men to make up for their lack-there-of of a large penis. But don’t worry, none of them buy one. Ollie comes close by sitting in a sporty number and honking its blower, but other than that they just all talk about Lucy, JP, Steph and Binky, as if it were any of their business.

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On a simultaneous shopping excursion, JP and Binky have a row in a men’s clothing store. One where you are ploughed with champagne no less. Binky takes issue with JP’s apparent suggestion that James should leave Lucy at home and tongue other girls occasionally. This is not what he means, and he nearly walks out of the shop, but doesn’t actually go through with it (thank God). Tiff and Sam appear like a couple of escaped psychiatric patients and say dull things. Tiff reckons she has revamped Sam (into a less interesting person).

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On yet another parallel shopping trip, Lucy essentially calls all of her friends rough – well, at least all of the ones that posed naked last week for newcomer and resident Portia di Rossi impersonator Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars’ photographic showcase. Steph lies that she thinks Mytton and Irish Nicola are cute, and then points out that Mytton tends to blush when she is in his presence. Lucy initiates full cold blunt bitch mode and is all “he doesn’t blush. You want him to blush!”

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There’s a weird-ass scene where Toff and Mark Francis are sitting in what I presume is his parlour or orangery, and Toff is writing a letter. To him. With him sat right there. Mark F criticises those with sloppy penmanship. Or more accurately, those with illegible, ghastly, vile, rotund, fat, inelegant, charmless, splattered, peasant-like, plebeian penmanship.

Thank God Shakespeare never wrote to him.

Irish Nicola and Mytton join Binky and JP for dinner and singlehandedly make them feel terrible about themselves. With reference to the fact that JP misses spending time with James, Mytton is all “you miss him more than he misses you”; and Irish Nicola questions why the hell Binky and JP have not said they love each other yet, just as the prawn cocktails arrive.

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At Wheeze and Sam’s house, Olivia is dressed for open-heart surgery. She has come round on the pretence that she is delivering Wheeze’s naked portrait, but lets face it, if she comes from the Bentley dynasty then she can afford to send it special delivery. Sam arrives and she proceeds in planting ideas in his head about how Tiff is insecure, basically just to fuck with them.

Jamie and Steph go for a drink and he tells her that all the boys were talking about how they’d like to shag her, which isn’t the slightest bit what happened. I think at most someone said “she’s looking good” in passing. She then reveals that she thinks James hates her because he kicked her out of Lucy’s house the other day because she tried to use a steak pan, and because she wanted to watch something on TV that he didn’t (The Hills?)

Lucy meets Tiff’s new roommate, Jessica Molly, and welcomes her with all the warmth of a stiff leg of frozen lamb.

JP tells Ollie, while manoeuvring a large (fishing) rod that he feels something in his waters for Binky that he’s never felt before.

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Steph calls a girly meeting to set the record straight that she has NOT been going around with delusions of shagging Mytton. Tiff has chosen to dress like a cast member of Sesame Street to attend this chat.

Jamie tells James precisely what Steph said about the pans and the steak and the TV and the kicking her out of the house.

James tells Tiff that Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars stood in Sam’s kitchen the other night.

Tiff tells Lucy that Steph told her, while she was dressed like someone from A Muppet’s Christmas Carol, that Lucy phones her up in the middle of the night sobbing down the phone about James.

James tells Steph that Lucy is livid. Steph tells him that Lucy in fact phones her up crying about JP (WTF?). James tells Steph to fuck off.

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Tiff informs Sam that he is not Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars’ father, and so doesn’t have to worry about her not having any friends. Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars then comes over to bury the hatchet. Tiff then awkwardly hugs Olivia Bentley of Bentley cars.

Amid all of this bitching and slagging and sniping, outside in a public garden Binky and JP sit on a bench. She complains that she’s cold, so he hurries up and tells her he loves her. It’s simply beautiful.

Next week’s predictions: Well, Steph may as well go for it and shag Mytton, she’s got nothing to lose seeing as everyone’s being bastards to her, let’s face it.

– A

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