Well, my goodness, I’m blushing (not really).
Literally the first thing to happen in this new season of Made In Chelsea is a close up of Wheeze’s creamy thigh, and a disrobement from Binky. No, they’re not in the changing rooms of their local Fitness First – they’re posing naked for photographer Olivia, who has a deep masculine voice and scraped back blonde hair, much like Portia de Rossi circa 2013.
But lesbian she is not, as she announces with much pride that she has made sweet sweet sex with none other than The Small Boy, Sam Thompson. She relishes in making this announcement (which is pretty F-ed up given that one of the people she’s telling is Sam’s sister).
Speaking of Sam, he’s walking across a landing in a towel, for no other reason than to establish that he has undergone the next step in his plastic surgery by adding ab implants to his new tan and teeth.
Turns out Tiff Watson is now living with the girl who took photos of Sam last year when he had his hand up a girl’s skirt in a Japanese branch of Raffles. Her name is Jessica Molly (not allowed to just be Jessica because Jess is already Jessica). She says that she’s glad these two are okay now despite being the reason that Tiff nearly had a psychotic breakdown last year.
More nudity is happening in what literally appears to be the middle of a restaurant between Jamie, Mytton and Ollie during a round of strip poker. Mytton’s got his top off, and Ollie’s giving him the glad-eye. So is Steph, who is disappointed to know that Mytton and Irish Nicola are still a couple, despite him telling her at New Year’s to bugger off.
James and Lucy’s relationship has become so mundane that they have no other option but to rip apart JP and Binky’s whilst standing on a cold street. James seems to have developed some kind of gurning habit too, to add insult to injury.
Who is this woman with Toff? Got to be her mother. No, no, no – it’s her GRANDMA! I can’t believe it – I won’t believe it. She has clearly been drinking that stuff they drink in Death Becomes Her. Mark Francis and Victoria float in and join them and, along with the grandma, start referring to Toff as desperate and single. “It’s like you’re wearing a perfume,” says Mark Francis. “Au de despair”. Nice.
The girls are doing boot camp with what appears to be Dappy. Binky and Lucy passive-aggressively comment on each other’s relationships while Steph admits that she wouldn’t hit Mytton in the face if he kissed her in a club.
At darts, Wheeze announces that she and Jamie have had “dry sex”. Jamie’s all a-flutter because the girls took part in the naked photo shoot and he gets to see these photos at masculine Olivia’s upcoming art showcase. Rosie assures him that the pictures are not in fact of the girls “with their legs open” – tactful as ever. We also learn that she and Wheeze used to do naked handstands at school together. It’s all a bit Operation Yewtree, so let’s move on.
Irish Nicola has a fringe (bangs for our American readers).
Sam and Tiff’s relationship is as fun as ever. She’s still whining and he’s still paranoid that at any given moment a secret from his past will explode in his newly-constructed face. He calls Tiff ‘Toff’ by accident and she practically cries about it because she has the personality of Toff’s young grandma’s shoe horn. At dinner with these two, James does an impression of JP, and then collapses from the exhaustion of trying to be funny.
At mannish-voiced Olivia’s exhibition, Steph and Mytton flirt right before Irish Nicola’s delicate Irish eyes. Jamie then tells Mytton separately that Steph noticed his trousers were undone at the game of strip poker, EVEN THOUGH they didn’t need to be.
Tiff asks Olivia why she’s been going around telling everyone that she and Sam have had sexual relations. Olivia is tall and Sam is short, so I imagine it would be a bit like an eel trying to mate with a guppy. Despite Tiff’s morose personality, she does have a point here: why would you offer this information up, Olivia? God. First you take Sam’s chastity and then you exploit the rest of the cast with naked photography. Who do you think you are – John Travolta?
James and Lucy decide to each go and be judgmental about Binky and JP’s relationship to their faces. James tells Binky that everyone thinks JP is ridiculous for not wanting to spend every second of the day with her, and Lucy tells JP that he should tell Binky he loves her immediately. She then says “I’m not commenting on your relationship” despite having spent the entirety of the episode commenting on it.
Next week’s predictions: Tiff tells Sam he can’t have any friends and James tells Steph to fuck off. I’m guessing this is because Sam has been socialising with manly-voiced Olivia and Steph has gone off the rails on account of her fresh lust for Mytton.