It’s disgusting how late I am writing this Apprentice finale run-down as most people can’t even remember who won it by now. But its not really my fault. It was Christmas. It’s Santa’s fault. i need to do it though, to complete the set. Even if it’s last year’s news!

The penultimate episode is that one where you watch Lord Sugar’s besties rip the finalists’ business plans to shreds before their very eyes. One would assume that Claude wouldn’t be allowed to do it this year as he has been promoted to Nick Hewer, but in fact he is still there with his two-pennies worth. Also back are Mike Suiter and Claudine Collins, with the addition of Linda “plasticine lips” Plant.


Joseph shaves off his silly moustache for the occasion and suddenly looks like a man rather than a 16 year old small boy.

Everyone, of course, starts lying about their businesses and credentials: Gary says that he used to be in charge of 600 (thousand) people when in fact it was just the three; Charleine says that her hairdressing business is second only to Toni & Guy; Richard’s business idea is some kind of shit flowery unclear concept that probably has the word “solutions” in it; and Vana has invented a dating app where you have to sit through games with the person you wish to talk to before you eventually get to realise they’re hideous.

The Apprentice 2015

Joseph cites Lord Sugar’s autobiography as inspiration to go into business. Mike then whips out the book and does a pop quiz on him. Joseph answers every question correctly and Mike resultantly looks like a tit.

Observation: Claude is nicer to the candidates now that he has walked a mile in Nick Hewer’s shoes.

Richard, un-shockingly, talks in metaphors that don’t make sense. His business plan is demonstrated with an illustration of a mountain that looks like the diagram you look at in Science class to understand how rainwater is naturally recycled. He says a load of bollocks about trail blazing and being the Swiss Army Knife of business. But no-one has a clue what his business actually is meant to be.


Gary’s idea is for an interactive mobile disco in the west midlands involving holograms (crying with laughter emoji).

In the boardroom, Karren is dressed like a geisha. Lord S gets rid of the chaff – Charleine and Gary – and then humiliates Richard further by suggesting that his business is about selling crampons. It then materialises, in typical Apprentice fashion, that Richard owns half of his business with his long lost step-brother or whatever, so he is also fired. Vana and Joseph are the finalists.

They then have to launch their businesses with the help of the bitter ex-candidates. Sam Curry isn’t asked back. Natalie is. Explain this to me please, someone.

Vana wants the words “play” and “date” to feature in the title of her app and so naturally decides to call it… DatePlay (!!!)


My prediction at this point is that Joseph will win because he actually has a business that might work (Vana seems to think people will pay for her app that doesn’t let you see who you’ll potentially be shagging). The issue is that Joseph’s logo is horrible (a picture of a cigarette lighter) and his team produce a promotional video that is basically the establishing scene of a porno from 1979.

Meanwhile, to demonstrate what her app is all about, Vana films some jugglers. Juggling. Obviously. Then her team do market research but decide to mostly talk to people who are in happy 17 year relationships and wouldn’t touch a dating app with a barge pole.

The Apprentice 2015

Joseph psyches himself up for the business presentation in the disabled loo. Lord Sugar addresses Karren as Baroness Brady (filthy) and then the finalists pitch to a mash-up of renewable energy and dating specialists.

Back at the boardroom, everyone realises that if the public wanted to sit through games to end up with sexual disappointment that they’d just go on Family Fortunes. Joseph and his bald lip win.

The Apprentice 2015

Seriously though, where was Sam Curry?!

– A



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