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Christmas is here! Saddle up, put on those boots and get out your riding crop. Then go horse riding.

XMAS 2

Wheeze and Ollie are comparing cantering atop a stallion to sexual intercourse. Wheeze says its good practice. Binky is ashamed of them both. Ollie tells Wheeze that Sam used the phrase “I miss my baby” with regards to Tiff. Wheeze suppresses the laughter that only comes with family shame. Ollie makes a joke about how a horse’s love life must be much more “stable”. He obviously hasn’t been to the Cowtown Rodeo.

XMAS 1

Christmas shopping for James is tricky, because all he’s into are fossilized rocks and documentaries. Is he actually Ross from “Friends”?

Jess announces that she is potentially a lesbian. I mean, yeah. We all figured this out when she had that nose ring installed. All she needs now is a pair of steel-capped boots and the love of a good woman.

XMAS 3

At the turkey farm, JP and James are checking out the plump breasts (of the turkeys) presumably deciding which one to slaughter for Christmas dinner. The topic of Lily (AKA Alice Beer) comes up. She’s been slagging James off for describing their relationship as just “hooking up after nights out”. No no no, says Alice Beer. Apparently they used to lie in bed together and eat sweets and pizza as well. And then roll around on the pizza boxes passionately, getting low-fat mozzarella in places they never knew existed.

During the token ice rink scene (which one will it be this year? Somerset House? National History Museum? Place your bets) Jamie asks Jess about her sudden attraction to women. Normally, this might make Jamie feel better about the fact that she is repulsed by him physically, but we all know that it probably makes him want her even more.

XMAS 5

Up on the drinking balcony, Victoria and Mark Francis slag off Ollie for no apparent reason, labeling him “cheap”, “naff”, “comic” and “pantomime”. Toff then gets her skates on (literally) to tell Ollie precisely what’s being said about him.

Lucy and her Dad, Clive, have dinner with James, and make sure to sit opposite him to make him feel terrible about himself. That is, after all, the spirit of Christmas. Sam happens to come into the same bar with Alice Beer. He makes the effort to come and say hi to Clive, consequently embarrassing himself by talking about cheese and telling Clive that he “is completely in love with Tiff”. Alice Beer remains over at the bar, where she belongs. When Sam returns to join her she insists to him that she and James were more than just post-clubbing caresses. He bought her a giant My Little Pony and everything! James, Lucy and Clive then perform a sort of three-way Christmas cracker pull and talk about whether they are cheese people or pudding people.

XMAS 8

Ollie, Jamie and JP are trying on kilts for an undisclosed reason. Then it all gets a bit gay with some ass flashing, penis touching, thigh grazing and knicker throwing.

XMAS 9

FRANCIS IS BACK! For one lousy scene involving a giant Christmas tree for his giant house.

XMAS 10

At the Christmas meal that is forced upon everyone annually and rife with across-the-table-tension, Tiff takes Alice Beer’s side RE: James which is precisely why Lucy chucked her out of their flat-share arrangement. Tiff – you’re a disgrace to Clive. Alice Beer then reminds James that he bought her a My Little Pony. James informs her that this means nothing, as he bought Lucy’s dog a Christmas present. Alice Beer then asks why James is calling her a dog.

XMAS 7

Sam gets an owl to fly onto his arm with a necklace attached to it for Tiff. She’s not allowed to touch, stroke or really even look properly at the owl but succumbs to Sam’s romance nevertheless.

XMAS 12

Rosie hits the nail on the head RE: Mark Francis and his sudden hatred of Ollie. Jealousy. I think its less jealousy of Ollie’s openly charismatic demeanor and glowing complexion, and more jealousy of the kilt Ollie was trying on earlier. They then have it out across the roast ham platter, which results in Mark Francis snapping at Toff and Rosie and storming out. This is the first proper drama he has been involved in on MIC. It’s a Christmas miracle!

XMAS 11

Next week’s predictions: The episode is entitled “New Year”. As it has obviously been filmed prior to the new year actually arriving, one can only predict it involves time travel in some form.

– A

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