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This episode was ridiculous.

Numbers are dwindling and the last task before the Final Five show their business proposals to a load of stroppy businessmen is to create a health snack.

Charleine’s team decide to construct a power bar made of an ingredient none of them can pronounce. What’s more, Charleine doesn’t put any sort of binding into the recipe so it essentially is just a foil wrapper full of crumbling soggy mulch. Mmmmmmmmmmmm! Get it in my mouth! The ingredient in question is the Baoba which Charleine is told is “nature’s viagra”. She then goes around telling people that its “Britain’s viagra” and that its “great for contraception”. Someone was sheltered in the Navy.

HEALTH 1

Brett’s team have chosen to make some healthy crisps drenched in olive oil or battery fluid or something.  They christen the brand “V” (for viagra?) While Richard goes off and designs his V, Brett and Vana head on over to the local dehydrating centre, where they dress up in outfits that looks like they would be well protected from SARS.

Richard’s creative process involves him making up words like “Englishy” and “Mediterraneany” (because he’s a dickhead) whilst flapping his pen around and talking in patronising tones to the graphic designer.

HEALTH 2

Charleine’s creative process involves literally throwing things into a bowl and praying for daylight. When Joseph and Gary call her to ask what the ingredients are (for the packaging design) she yells down the phone and tells them to just go with it because she “has a really lot to do”. This results in them declaring that the bar is high in anti-oxidants, which it isn’t, forcing them to take to the printed packages with a black felt pen to scribble out the false advertising, which is always a sign of quality branding.

When the team taste it there are comments such as “it tastes like a blended up Cornetto” (which sounds quite nice to me really) and Karren chokes on it (AND the Baoba).

HEALTH 9

When pitching to retailers, Gary can’t erect his easel.

HEALTH 6

Brett rolls out some truly appalling classics when pitching the oil-sodden crisps. This was my favourite:

“The recipes include very very natural nutrients which give us the calibration of the ratios to the amounts of what we could actually incorporate into our product.”

The calibration of the ratios to the amounts? REALLY Brett?

HEALTH 3

At the consumer testing, literally no-one wants Charleine’s health bar, not liking the look/taste/feel/name/texture/colour of it. Joseph is sure to lie about this at the pitch declaring that everyone ruddy well loved it rather than recoiled from it in horror.

Gary still can’t get it up.

HEALTH 7

Meanwhile, Brett’s still saying words like “iconifies” and using phrases such as “gravy train”.

Firing prediction: Brett for his wording, Charleine for her inability to cook or Richard for the fact that Lord Sugar just really hates him.

At the boardroom its not surprising to learn that no orders were placed whatsoever for either team. Lord S asks Charleine if her snack is healthy? “Dunno” she says.

HEALTH 4

All of them are kept in the firing line given that none of them actually won the task . The PMs then have to each choose one teammate to come back in with them. Charleine cries and has to leave for a moment to pull herself together because of her horrid horrid culinary skills. Richard throws Brett under the proverbial bus despite that fact that he didn’t listen to anyone when designing the packaging and so fucked it up a bit (although there were no black marker pens needed which is always good). Gary sulks because he was the one that wrote “high in anti-oxidants” on the cover.

Brett can’t quite seem to be anything but honorable towards Richard the bitch (Bitch-ard) and therefore consequently gets fired (which doesn’t really make any sense but whatever, maybe he can publish a dictionary in the future).

– A

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