Episode 9 starts with this:

“Lord Sugar would like you to meet him at the Southbank Tower.”

“Southbank Tower? What’s that?”

“A tower on the Southbank.”

When the candidates eventually get to the Southbank Tower, Claude and Karren are already up there, practically getting blown off (!) Lord Sugar arrives and tells everyone that it was built in the 70s (and is likely about to collapse).


This week the teams have to sell property. Selina is retracted from out of Richard’s ass and swapped onto Joseph’s team. They decide among themselves who should sell the posh houses and who should sell the shit ones. On Richard’s team, Scott and Brett are lumbered with the shit apartments and Scott is NOT happy about it. They are packed off to places like Clapham and Lewisham to show people around some converted office blocks.


Over at the penthouses, the man selling the expensive homes doesn’t want Joseph representing him because he wears pink shirts and suspenders out of choice. Richard and Vana are chosen but Vana says things to clients like “You have an accent, are you Italian? Oh, Brazilian!”

Charleine manages to sell a £350,000 flat on the night before they’re even meant to start selling and so, to celebrate, puts more make-up on the next day.

Scott’s disinterest is as painfully obvious as nun at a foam party. He is lacklusterly showing some woman around a show home saying things like “we’ve got lovely surfaces” and “these are the walls”. He says that the living room is the dining room and thinks the dishwasher is the fridge. It doesn’t stop there. Other priceless comments include “everyone’s enjoying the Clapham”, “You can enjoy the sun, day and night” and “It’s really highly populated by everybody”.


Over at the penthouse, some rich bitch called Anoushka comes to look around. She demands to know what the flat looks out over, as she likes a good aspect, apparently. She is swiftly followed by what appears to be Stephen Fry and his 17-year-old  husband.

Selina is the only one on Jospeh’s team not to sell – even Gary manages it and he’s using sentences like “some people like looking out over Lewisham”.

Vana’s parents are architects. She mentions it around 4000 times during the episode as if it makes her some sort of estate agency expert. She is attempting to sell a penthouse but is having issues due to the potential buyers need for a parking space. Apparently this £1.2 million home DOESN’T already come with one. What’s that all about? Then Vana makes this face:


Boardroom: Lord S calls Joseph Super Mario (lols). He also rips the piss out of the fact that he uses the phrase “I am the Godfather of business” on his CV. Joseph, you’re not even the God-sister!

Richard’s team wins and they get sent off on a speed boat on the river by Battersea Power Station. Scott, however, turns down the offer and instead quits the show. OMG. Of course this is then followed by comments from Lord S like “well I was going to fire him next week anyway” and from Karren like “he’s been floundering for weeks, Alan”. Whatevs.


The losing team are sent to the cafe, where Charleine is shouting in people’s faces again (she likes to do this when she looses a task). She is also dressed sort of like a dragon.


Prediction: Selina will go. And if she doesn’t, I think she might win the whole thing and those Daily Mail articles she keeps getting published will turn out to to be PR stunts, to throw the public off the scent, which would actually be quite clever.

Oh, she is the one fired. There goes my clever theory then.

– A



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