Within seconds of this episode starting, Harney has physically assaulted Jamie on a bicycle. It looks pretty harsh actually and although everyone’s laughing about it I wouldn’t be surprised if shortly after filming he had to be taken to the Portland (for a caesarian). Also, this week Jess is dressed like Kelly Kapowski from Saved By The Bell.
Alik has landed in London. Wheeze says she’s feeling guilty that he had to leave his Leather Empire to come to London to deal with her wondering lips. She should feel guilty! En route from the airport, Alik stops by to confront Elliot (who has a weird eyebrow). Because he can remember what happened while Wheeze cannot, Alik thinks that the whole thing is Elliot’s fault. Makes sense.
For some reason, Toff and Richard are planning a joint birthday party even though last week he inserted his arm down her throat, detached her heart, extracted it through her mouth and threw it into the path of an on-coming fork-lift truck (AKA said “no” to a date). Nonetheless, she is drawing hearts around their names (and telling him about it) and ordering balloons that spell out “Congratulations Toff & Richard”.
Tiff informs Lucy that she and Ollie have been texting. Lucy thinks she means Proudlock and we all get excited at the thought of seeing that earring on our screens again. But no. She means Locke. Lucy comments (accurately) that if Tiff went out with Ollie she and he could share bronzer and Max Factor.
Don’t worry – Proudlock’s earring is in this episode. With Proudlock attached to it. He’s cut his hair and is getting ever-closer to being sexy. He’s come to console Alik who makes it quite clear that he will not stand for “another episode” involving Wheeze and her roving eye.
Steph skips between both Watson sisters telling them that they’ve been bitching about each other and that Lucy wants Tiff out (of her face/house/life). Tiff decides it’s therefore appropriate to befriend James’ ex-lover Lilly, who looks like a younger version of Alice Beer from Watchdog. Lilly is horrendous. She claims that she doesn’t fancy James anymore. Really, Lilly? We all know you’ve become friends with Tiff so you can go round her and Lucy’s house and chop up all of Lucy’s bras.
Rosie, Proudlock, Victoria and Jamie are discussing who knows whom the best. Rosie wins because apparently Jamie’s sisters were bridesmaids at her mother’s wedding. Does that mean Rosie’s mum married Jamie’s dad???!?!?!
Just when we thought she’d alighted at Stability Junction, Wheeze is back on the crazy train. She’s power-eating in front of Alik while he suggests she move to NYC so he can tie her to a bollard when he’s not around. She then calls him ungrateful, as if saliva-ing on another man’s face was doing Alik a favour. He keeps repeating some shit about “accepting and internalising” the situation. I think this relationship is for the sin bin, actually.
Mark Francis sends the Bat Signal into the air so that Victoria can come and help him stop Toff from ordering a 3-tiered wedding cake for her and Richard’s party. The pair of them burst into the cake shop, as Toff is mid-bite, and ask what the hell she is playing at. Mark Francis smacks her hand, like “a Victorian house master”. Toff explains that she hit on Richard and he said no. “Do you think Eve was going around asking Adam out on a date?” Victoria asks her. To be fair, its not like Adam and Eve could have gone for a Pizza Express, poor things.
Wheeze has decided to go back to the states with Alik and makes a massive deal out of it even though she’s only going for a week. I’ve spent longer in my bathroom.
At Toff and Richard’s engagement party, Ollie and Tiff flirt and agree to hang out romantically. Blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. No-one in the UK is in favour of this. Tiff has also brought Alice Beer along who can be seen loitering at the bar out of focus past James’ left shoulder. She walks past him and Lucy, mascara running, and tells Tiff that she and James met up before he went to LA last summer. She makes it sound sordid but I suspect it was so he could return her copy of Little Mix’s album that she left in his car.
Next week’s prediction: Tiff is going to come home to find that Lucy has chucked all of her belongings onto the street, along with Ollie’s under-eye blemish concealer that he let her borrow.