I couldn’t bring myself to watch the last two episodes of The Apprentice as I am still mourning Sam Curry. BUT, I hate to say it, episode 8 was so awful that I didn’t even realise Sam was gone (no offence). The theme: throw a kids’ party – which has disaster written all over it (in blood).
Meeting Lord S at the Museum of Childhood – which sounds like some sort of Haversham-esque manor house where spinsters fossilise living children from the local village in wax – the teams are set their task, with Gary and Selina becoming opposing PMs.
Selina doesn’t like children which is a really good start. Luckily she gets to cater for 13-year-old Nicole who looks about 33 and is American for some reason. Whilst Selina wants to throw a young ladies tea party with fire breathing and flame throwing, everyone presumes that Nicole would rather have a sporty party as she happens to have her hair tied back, so must obviously be a future lesbian. To make it all even more butch, Richard wants to barbecue. Selina has “been a fire breather and circus performer for 10 years” and so is clearly planning on doing the entertaining herself; but no – astroturf and prime rib it is!
The other team need to cater for Jamal whose mother has a severe nut allergy and so cannot be within 20 feet of anything nutty. She makes it clear that having any nuts in the vicinity would make her feel claustrophobic and frightened.
So the team make sure they provide a chocolate cake – smeared in NUTella!
David happens to be a rope instructor (!?) and so takes charge of the party. His training must have also involved learning how best to suck the life out of any jovial situation. The children aren’t allowed to run (or walk quickly) or climb beyond the second level of the five-level climbing wall.
Meanwhile, Selina starts looking for a piece of paper with the phone number of Nicole’s mother on it, even though she never wrote it down and it never existed. As a result, she guesses what Nicole wants for her party.
David is upset about the selection of shit in the party bags and so worries that Jamal’s parents won’t pay for them. In order to avoid this, he forces the children to wear the contents of the bags (glowsticks and necklaces (as if they are attending a rave in 1993)) so that the Dad will HAVE to pay for them.
Back at the lesbian-themed party, Nicole falls over. Brett is instructing the girls like a pervert gym teacher. They all get onto the (fun) bus and do Britney Spears karaoke.
David and Gary get their kids onto the (not fun) bus and David does some sort of weird rendition of the hokey-cokey which involves the line “cup your hand around” which is just very creepy.
Nicole’s mother doesn’t want the party bags that Selina has made for Nicole’s party (ungrateful bitch) and so that’s about 40p down the drain.
Over at Jamal’s party, the Mum can’t come in because there are traces of nut in the air, so she needs to sit outside by the bins. To make matters worse, the bespoke printed T-Shirts that Jamal’s lucky guests are meant to walk away with (as a souvenir of the worst party they will ever go to in their lives) get printed all runny. David tries to save the shit party bags by putting water pistols in them (where did he get these???) but the Dad isn’t having any of it. The last shot of Jamal’s party is of a lone balloon, of the letter J, floating into the sky, representing the bitter disappointment of childhood.
Needless to say that Gary’s team loose. Lord S rolls out a corker about how the mother/nut fiasco would have turned the event into a murder mystery party.
Charleine gets up to leave the boardroom before she is dismissed, so Lord S tells all four of them to stay. She then thinks its sensible to sort of conduct some sort of weird high-volumed rant at David, so Lord S tells her to shut it.
Prediction: Charleine will go. Please. In fact he needs to fire David and Gary while he’s at it because let’s face it…
Nope. Just David. I guess one out of three ain’t bad.