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JP’s in his pants. Goodness. He’s making salmon (gross) with scrambled eggs (yum) in bed for Binky. He’s not actually making it in bed. There’s not a little cooker under the sheets. That would be weird.

In her mission to find herself, this week Jess is dabbling in photography. She and Toff go to an autumnal forest to chuck loads of dry, barren, dead leaves around in the hopes of capturing them mid-flutter. The photos don’t come out too well so Jess smashes her camera.

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There is an AWFULLY edited scene consisting of Jamie and Spenny driving around town in a car but it’s just little soundbites of their conversation inter-cut with sweeping shots of Spenny driving over crossroads. Jess texts Jamie from the woods and Jamie ignores it due to his bitterness that she isn’t tempted by his sexual beckonings.

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Outside a church, Ollie and Richard bump into Emma, with her ridiculous Mark Ronson-esque accent. Ollie allows her to kiss his cheek half-heartedly to which she dares to say “that’s a nice welcome” sarcastically. How DARE you Emma! You are not allowed to get all jokey about this situation yet! Ollie is still pretending to be upset about it! His dog, Bear, then growls at her as if she is Heracles and Bear is Cerberus the Hound of Hades (but we all know Emma is the Hound of Hades, not Bear).

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While Binky gushes to the girls about putting JP’s toothbrush in her mouth, JP is having a romantic dinner with Elliot (the one with the dick pic last season). Elliot is all weird and JP asks what’s wrong. Apparently he was hanging out with Wheeze the other night and she drunk herself into oblivion and they KISSED!!! Then she stayed until 7 the next day. PM! I don’t even stay that long at houses of people I intentionally kiss.

Richard is making a dog toy in Ollie’s image. Unfortunately it looks like a dildo.

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Whilst out on the tiles, Jamie opens some champagne and Harney says that it’s epic. Haven’t you ever popped a cork Harney? Jess and Mark Ronson are at the same bar and Spenny and Jess have a tête a tête. Apparently they once poured hot chocolate over each other and licked it off (or they kissed) and so naturally it must be time to re-light that spark just when Jamie’s life can’t get any worse.

Steph gives Toff the green light to go for it with Richard. Not sure why she needs your permission Steph, unless maybe you’re Richard’s long-lost father?

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Word has traveled from Elliot to JP, JP to Binky, Binky to Wheeze (and Wheeze to Sam) that there was a kiss that would have caused all the sofas in the Kingdom of Leather to explode at once. Dressed as an Amish woman, Wheeze (and Sam!!!) goes to confront Elliot. She explains that she only drinks to make people more interesting and that the thought of kissing him makes her feel unwell, which is nice. The Thompsons basically act like Elliot is completely to blame which isn’t true despite his penchant for dick pic sending.

Spenny treats Jess to a nice screw cap, when Lucy and Steph walk into the same restaurant. They then go and tell Jamie about it and make it sound 99% worse than it is. 1% is retained because let’s face it, he’d shag her.

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At the Royal Institute of Great Britain, Richard has invited “a select group”  (which basically includes all the usual cast only with the addition of lens-less glasses) to listen to his speech. He’s talking about how wanting to own an island isn’t good enough, he wants to own a planet or the sun or some bollocks like that. He hasn’t even worn a shirt and tie for the occasion. Toff, however, has dressed how I imagine Cher from Clueless would dress in this situation, and has brought a notepad. I would pay money to see what she has actually written down. “Island bad, planet good” perhaps?

Jamie and Jess leave mid-lecture (rude!) to discuss the news that Spenny and her went for a glass of non-corked wine. They essentially make friends once more after she insists that the drink was sexless.

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Wheeze calls New York to tell Alik that she can’t keep it in her pants. He tells her he’s coming over on the next flight, even if it means departing from Newark.

After the shortest and most pointless lecture in history, Toff tells Richard that she fancies him and he says no thanks. Poor Toff. Poor Alice-band wearing Toff.

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Next week’s predictions: Alik will touch down in London (Newark – Luton probably) and confront Elliot, who will distract him by waving a dick pic in his face; Richard will find Toff rummaging through his laundry; and it looks like Ollie is setting his sights on Tiff (FFS) – first the girl with the affected accent, now the girl with the personality of a bread bin.

– A

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