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I am a week late publishing this episode review of The Apprentice and that’s because I have not been able to bring myself to write it. I’ve been in mourning – mourning! Only today have I shed my widow’s weeds and opened the curtains to the cruel cold light of day.

I’m going to ruin it for you all now – this is the episode Sam Curry leaves us. Sam Curry with his awesome jawbones. His awe-bones. To mark this tragedy, I have adorned his image throughout this post, to make up for all the future posts he should have appeared in. Disclaimer: I’m not actually stalking you Sam Curry.

SAM 5

Everyone’s kicking back at the house (which in Joseph’s case involves wearing sunglasses indoors – I doubt they’re prescription). Sam’s reading Tolstoy (of course). There’s a knock at the door. It’s Lord Sugar. Gary runs around the house screaming in people’s faces that Lord S has come round which is just really embarrassing for all involved. They are all told that this week’s task is to open a pop-up discount store. Gary and Scott are respective PMs, with Gary explaining that he is known as the postman because he “aways delivers” (which can’t be true as I don’t think I’ve ever written about him in these blogs before ever).

SAM 2

Off they go to Manchester (where Brett slags off the entire population with one flippant genocidal comment). Selina and Sam are sniping at each other on one team, while Richard and Charleine are doing the same on the other. Charleine tries to get a supplier to just randomly let her have half the stock she’s buying for free (which is genius, why have I never thought of doing that when I’m out shopping?) and Sam can’t do maths, which is the first nail in his crumbling Apprentice coffin. Contrary to what Karren says later on in the episode though, he’s not “crawling around on the floor with a calculator”. Lies Baroness Brady, lies!

There’s a lot of made-up prices and talk of up-selling and all that rubbish. Claude and Karren criticise the teams for this but, lets face it, if they were down-marking it they’d be slagging them off for that too. Selina trashes Sam’s window display when he’s not looking and the age-old question “do jammy dodgers go with washing powder?” is asked.

SAM 1

When one punter tells David that PoundLand are selling stuff for just £1 he can’t quite believe it. He’s either very middle class or very stupid (the last one).Scott and Brett start getting up in each other’s grills and Scott hallucinates that Brett threatens to punch/slap/hit/kill him. Sam gets pissy with the cash register (because it involves numbers?) and Selina just has a face like a donkey’s hoof the whole time. I actually don’t think any of them crack one smile in this task.

This ultimately leads to Scott’s team losing, edging Sam one devastating step closer to Sugarless redundancy. While the other team are sent off up the Shard to be snide towards each other over bellinis with strawberries shoved in them, the others start throwing each other under the proverbial bus in order to be saved, resulting in Scott bringing Sam and Brett back into the boardroom. Vana thinks Selina needs to go “out of everyone else in the entire process” but she lives to see another sour-faced day.

SAM 6

Sam deals with his firing precisely how I would – lots of eye rolling at Lord Sugar and the occasional “how dare you!” thrown in for good measure. Scott says he’s not positive but Scott needs to realise that in life one should retain the good sense not to smile for the future of one’s complexion and to be taken seriously. Jack the lad doesn’t cut the mustard Scott. But Lord Sugar seems to think he and Brett would make better business partners (whatever) and the show is ruined for me for the rest of the season.

Sam is all “thanks anyway” rather than “I appreciate the opportunity Lord Sugarrrrr” like everyone else. Scott then doesn’t hug him even though this whole thing is his fault.

Goodbye Sam, with your mustard scarf and pool-like eyes.

– A

SAM 3

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