The heavens have spoken, the stars have aligned and Binky, JP and Scrumbles have finally joined as one. They’re having a dog walk and it’s all just very cute. It’s currently on the down-low, otherwise Wheeze will be on the warpath.
Talking of Wheeze – wasn’t she meant to have moved to New York by now, to become Alik’s leather Queen?
Jess is having a haircut as an attempt to banish the demons of romance past. Trouble is, she’s as embroiled as ever, this time by shoving her oar into Mytton and Irish Nicola’s business. Rumour has it they’re on the rocks and Jess has advised him to “take a break” a la Ross and Rachel. In order to set up Irish Nicola’s fury, there is a pointless scene of her in a chauffeur driven car, leaving Mytton a voicemail telling him they need to talk. She is then dropped off on the side of the North Circular with her bags.
Rosie’s slagging Lucy’s dress sense off after hearing that Lucy called her fashionably irrelevant. Apparently Rosie wasn’t impressed with her dress choice at the music recital last week, claiming that she was practically in her négligée, tits and V out in all their glory!
Irish Nicola and Mytton are attempting to sort out their issues. It transpires that he went to Ibiza without telling her. Just when you think he has managed to trick her into believing that he didn’t touch anyone else’s supple thighs whilst there, Toff drops by with the news that Mytton texted Jess for advice. Irish Nicola demands to see the text thread but conveniently his phone seems to have blown up and deleted them. She wants to know why Mytton didn’t tell her about this. “I forgot,” he claims. “What else did you forget in Ibiza?” Irish Nicola asks, wryly. That he had a Spanish orgy, of course, Irish Nicola. She then takes matters into her own Irish hands and summons Jess (who comes to see her literally dressed like a Norwegian exchange student) and asks to see the texts on her phone. Jess is tentative but shows her. We get a glimpse but really we want a transcript – a transcript of Mytton’s entire texting history over the past 2 years so we can see how he went about arranging those orgies.
Whilst shopping for champagne, Tallulah tells Victoria that she and Spenny have been doing the knickerless fandango. This information then comes out at Victoria’s weird bespoke cake baking class. “Did he put his D in your V?” asks Binky, which I swear is a phrase I invented – lets pretend it definitely is yeah? Evidently he did, consequently rendering Emma a laughing stock (she’s not invited to cake baking because everyone despises her for her slutty ways).
Speaking of the devils, Spenny has taken Emma to a bar. But it’s not long before Ollie and Toff are forced to attend the same bar in the interest of entertainment. This prompts Spenny and Emma to go back to his to cuddle (and have sex on the windowsill).
Wheeze and JP each stand at different ends of a street and march toward one another. She then tells him that if he breaks Binky’s heart she’ll cut off his penis and send it to his grandmother in a jiffy bag.
Jamie tells Spenny that it’s sensible for him not to be tying himself down to one woman. No-one is shocked that he feels this way.
Ollie learns that Spenny has been splitting his D between 2 Vs and practically has an O over it.
Tiff is STILL going on about being Rosie’s intern even though Rosie has made it quite clear to her that she hasn’t actually got anything for her to do, and Lucy has made it even clearer that Rosie shouldn’t even be allowed to wear clothes, let alone manufacture them. Apparently she would still like to “go along to things” that Rosie does. Lucy is still not having any of it. James tries to back up Tiff which aggravates Lucy further and makes her go “What James?!?”
Spenny’s with Emma trying to understand her ridiculous affected accent and Victoria strolls over like a dog with a bone to stir the shit. This is what’s so great about MIC (and life) these days. Social disruption and vindictive meddling is no longer taboo and is executed much more openly nowadays so Victoria has no qualms in shitting all over Emma with the news that Spenny has been fondling Tallulah. But what is this? Emma sort of forgives him and even calls him “Matters”. Bitch.
Brigita watch: she’s dancing with someone (not James, don’t worry).
Mytton and Irish Nicola discuss their issues on a balcony and I literally think one of them is going to chuck the other one off it. But no. Just a regular old argument and storm off situation this time.
JP tells Binky that he only has eyes for her and the nation melts with sickly joy.
Next week’s predictions: Alik’s attempts to take a Queen for the Kingdom of Leather seems to be on the rocks – I spy the end for him and Wheeze. That’ll be over by Christmas.