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To cheer poor betrayed heartbroken Ollie up, Binky makes him hard stale burnt toast and eggs that have been boiled within an inch of their life. Apparently hard boiled eggs only need five minutes as opposed to fifteen. Five? I only give them 2.5 when I do them. #salmonella #awareness

MIC 1

Whilst Tiff is slagging off her sister to Steph in a cafe, Richard enters. But I can’t really concentrate on what happens because the extras in the background of this scene are shocking! I can’t keep my eyes off them. Clearly they’re not on the books at Casting Collective.

MIC 2

Ollie is naturally obsessively comparing himself to Spenny. Binky explains that personality is more important than looks in the long run (which, let’s fact it, it’s not) and so Ollie has hope for the future given that he is not attractive (according to Binky, not me). He then goes for a walk to clear his head from the stress he’s feeling over the relationship that he had for about 9 seconds, and bumps into Richard, who waves at him like Kenneth Williams at an ashes scattering. Richard apparently is besotted by Steph – so much so that he hasn’t even touched his copy of ‘Guns and Amo monthly’. He then says in a creepily sinister manner that he wants to kiss her (and kill her?)

MIC 4

Emma pops by to see Ollie, but he ain’t there innit coz he’s off having a walk. Binky welcomes her with open arms into the house where she sits her down and tells her that if she carries on dating Spenny she will most likely die a horrible horrible death.

There’s a boys’ night happening but Spenny brings Emma. That’s always a sign of a trampy girl – they tag along as the only female on their boyfriends’ all-male gatherings. Sluts. Apparently she’s met Spenny’s mother already. What. A. Whore.

MIC 3

Lucy’s now bitching about Tiff’s internship with Rosie. No-one can quite seem to get their head around what the hell Lucy’s problem is. Also, it is revealed that she PAYS Tiff to work at her own company. To be fair, why would Tiff give that up seeing as surely she doesn’t have to actually do anything.

Elsewhere, Victoria is observing that hunting season is about to begin (dalmatian fur?) Toff is telling her and Mark Francis that she doesn’t know if Richard fancies her or not. Mark Francis drops the bomb that he’s actually interested in poking Steph and then likens Toff to a stagnant pond.

Rosie has invited Tiff to a fashion show, but she doesnt seem to be actually doing any form of work/interning/bitch-work for her yet. Rosie is not impressed with what Tiff tells her about Lucy. She is pissed. Then a fat designer walks down the aisle.

MIC 6

So Richard has this army of phallus-like robots. He has programmed one to hand Steph a rose (and then capture her in its claw so he can breed the two together to produce a half woman/half machine sex slave). Then he asks her if she’d like to have a second date – in the south of France. Easy there Dick. AND easy there Richard.

Rosie has a lot to say on the subject of Lucy Watson:

Amazing Rosie quote # 1:

(In response to being asked if Tiff is going to be her intern) “No, she’s not actually; she told me that actually Lucy doesnt basically want Tiff to even, like, speak to me about advice, or basically have anything to do with me, which is fucking selfish!”

Amazing Rosie quote # 2:

(Her reaction to Lucy’s comments that all Rosie does is bitch about her) “I’ve been too busy to slag her off. I have better shit going on!”

Amazing Rosie quote # 3:

(Do Rosie and Lucy have a problem?) “Lucy and I have never had a problem. We do now. If she’s going to go around saying there’s a problem, you’ve made a problem. There is a problem and I have a problem with the fact she treats her sister like shit. Problem!”

I added the last “problem”.

MIC 8

The last scene is at a recital. We haven’t had one of these yet this season. Why do they bother sending the cast to these, we all know they’d rather be pounding vermouth.

Geography watch:

Wheeze:

Hasn’t heard of Bedford.

JP:

Doesn’t know that Norfolk’s not near Somerset.

Binky:

Thinks that Wales isn’t in Britain.

But who cares about that when JP casually drops into conversation that he is feeling butterflies toward Binky!? Praise Jesus!

Ollie chats to Toff and says something exciting – every part of his body is telling him he’s gay. Ride the wave Ollie!!!!!! But Toff’s all sad because Richard wants to turn Steph into an android. Will these two now hook up in a twist of horrible fate?

It’s Rosie Vs Lucy and despite my adoration for Lucy, she’s being a dick this time. But she looks great.

MIC 7

Steph’s not interested in entering Richard’s robotics scholarship as her heart has gone cold. Sounds like the perfect quality for machinery cross-breeding, no?

Spenny and Binky have it out and then sort of make up again, so whatever.

Next week’s predictions: Irish Nicola seems annoyed about something – Mytton has clearly turned back to whoring; Tallulah is back on the scene – but where is Brigita? Oliie and Toff will shag, I can just feel this in the airs of fate – and it feels evil.

– A

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