The candidates wake up with instructions to wear high-vis jackets and steel-capped boots. Clearly they’re being sent to a lesbian rave. Brett assumes that they’re actually being sent off to make something or “constructioning” something. Someone comments that Elle is “desperate for one”. (A challenge win, not a good banging).

This week’s task is RIDICULOUS! Lord S wants them all to become handymen and sell their services doing odd jobs. How is this proving business acumen? It’s essentially offering people laymen skills which could potentially leave you with the need for an actual handyman when you didn’t need one in the first place. Or DynoRod.

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That bloke whose name I haven’t bothered to learn properly because he hasn’t done anything worthy of writing about yet is called Mergim. I have had to learn it due to his heavy involvement in this episode.

Early firing prediction: Mergim will go, because of his heavy involvement in this episode.

Apparently he’s an Albanian refugee. Okay!!?!?!

Elle leads up one team but fannies about too long and misses the deadline for having a flyer printed. Mergim draws one with a biro on ruled paper as an eye-catching Plan B (because its shit).

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Both teams are sent to independently try and get a job at a theatre erecting the set or something. The man who is in charge of hiring them is a total bitch. Brett’s team quote him £777 and then throw on another £100 for shits and gigs. The other team get the job (the one with Mergim on it). While Brett, Selina and beautiful Sam try and get a job jet-cleaning a football stadium, Scott and the sub-team go off to do some pointless market research, lead by the ever-arrogant Vana. She reckons this is a better idea than actually making actual $$$$$$$$$$$$. Scott says to someone “we’re called connexus, connecting…yeah…connecting…people” landing a business contract for sure!

Over at the football stadium, Sam is worried about getting dirty (insert joke here) if they get the job (insert joke here). Then he, Brett and Selina work out what 60 X 6 is and spend half an hour arguing about whether that’s right or not.

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Over on Mergim’s sub-team, April is doing deals for £3.33 per person per hour (cha-ching). They offer their services at an optician (giving eye tests?). Mergim offers to straighten a shelf, tries to screw a nail into the wall rather than hammer it, and then asks if the ‘finished’ shelf is meant to be slanted. Then he totally fucks up some poor woman’s shop sign by smearing paint all over it in the wrong places. It reminded me of this:


On winning the football stadium job, Sam gets very excited and waves his power hose around. The rest of the team go and promise some woman a Grand Designs-esque garden makeover despite only having a few hours. Claude is all “what a bunch of twats”. Over at the bitchy man’s theatre, David gets a load of pipe measurements wrong by 68mm (an easy mistake).

Brett instructs Sam and Selina at the football pitch to basically just soak everything, which essentially means they can’t do any of the painting they have been paid to do. So basically, both teams are total shit.

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In the boardroom, everyone laughs at Mergim’s stupidity, which leads to a lot of weird suppressed laughter faces. Lord Sugar says something about Selina being on her knees (so that’s how she got on the show). Brett’s team win and get sent off to some weird sauna where they’re made to have water thrown all over them (its unclear whether its freezing cold or boiling hot but whatever the case their screaming like banshees) and get hit with dried foliage. It’s all a bit Club 18-30.

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Elle looses the task graciously and practically offers to leave the process voluntarily, resultantly being fired before Lord Sugar even has to ask her to go out and come back in again. Mergim is made PM by default and brings in can’t-measure-a-pole-David and £3.33-April.

When told he’s crap by Lord S, Mergim says “I think that’s unfair, to be fair”. Then he whips out his refugee card and says how passionate he is (about being a millionaire). In the spirit of political-BBC-correctness, Lord Sugar sugar coats Mergim’s dismissal by saying he admires his ambition and background and that he should keep in touch (despite the fact that Mergim can’t hammer a nail). He is then fired, followed swiftly by £3.33-April, who can thank Claude for that one really.

Good things come in threes, is would seem.

– A

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