This episode should be called ‘Everyone Hates Emma’ – because they do, and she deserves it.

At the amateur boxing club (amateur? you mean Spenny and Jamie aren’t actual boxers?) Jamie pretends to act shocked when Spenny announces that he and Lauren are no more. As if on slutty cue, Emma struts in with her confused accent and waifish attitude. She’s wearing an outfit that makes her look like Taylor Schilling in Orange is the New Black. It’s all flirty flirty and then the boys look at her box(ing). Like a couple of pervert ring masters at a freak show.

To make matters worse, Emma doesn’t even drink coffee. Binky has to bring her a shitty green tea post-workout. You are NOT Gwyneth Paltrow, alright Emma!?

Jess wants to give Jamie a balloon as a gesture of friendship. A gesture of patronizing, slap-in-the-face friendship.

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There’s a shot of some horses hooves, symbolising that Victoria has arrived at the polo. Brigita’s there, saying “yah, yah” a lot, like the absolute bitchface that she is.

Mark Francis is on the phone speaking in a foreign tongue when he joins Richard, Rosie and Binky for brunch. It sounds like he’s flirting a bit. Has he taken a lover on one of his private islands? They start talking about Emma. He’s all “who’s Emma”. Indeed, Mark Francis! Richard starts banging on about fancying Steph, which MF frowns at given that he knows of Toff’s secret love for him.

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Turns out Jess went to see a rugby game that Jamie was performing in (as the mascot) and snogged some random man in the audience whilst she was meant to be watching Jamie run about (dressed as a giant cockerel). This leads to Jamie taking her friendship balloon and practically deflating it in her face by telling her that he has now erased her from his life. (They’ll be friends again by Christmas)

Just as he is about to float the suggestion that they firm up their sexless relationship, Emma tells Ollie that she made tongue-love with Spenny. Ollie is all “but we were doing lots of kissing on the lips and holding hands”. Sorry, but are we literally watching 10- year-olds here? Ollie tells Emma that she can “get the fucking bill” and storms off. I rewound that bit. Twice.

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Alik’s in town for the annual meeting of the Leather Farmers of America. Blink and you’ll miss him.

Ollie tells Richard and Binky that Emma’s mouth has housed Spenny’s Taco de lengua. They both sort of laugh in his poor little face. “Oh my giddy aunt,” Binky says, while Richard states that “she’s a dick, I hope we don’t have to still be friends with her.”

Tiff tells Lucy about her new career move as Rosie’s pointless intern. Lucy is NOT happy. She is all “Rosie Fortescue? Ew?” When did Lucy start hating Rosie so vehemently? She is an absolute bitch about Rosie, which is a bit harsh but literally the way I would behave. Although she does upset me when she says this:

Despite destroying Ollie’s life, Emma is brazenly out on a date with Spenny. They’re both wearing denim shirts and ordering Green Bastards.

Everyone goes out on the tiles. Sur les carreaux. I’m loving Spenny’s jacket. Rosie tells Tiff that she’s overjoyed that she’s her intern and that she’ll “let her know when something comes up”. In intern language, that means “I really won’t need you thanks”. Brigita and Lucy lock horns and its beautiful. Lucy’s all “aren’t you the girl who tried to fuck my boyfriend?” Brigita insists that it’s not true. Lucy dishes out a full serving of Watson and James looks on whilst sucking his straw dry.

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Ollie’s there. He admits to wearing make-up and having Botox, but leaves out the fact that he appears to have Nivea pearl chapstick on too. He then refers to Emma as just a vagina, which really is all she deserves, let’s all just face it. Ollie tells Spenny and Emma that they’re whores. Ollie, what do you see in her anyway? She’s got a fake accent and we know you don’t truly crave vagina – I mean Emma.

Richard’s on form this season. Well done Ros Coward for bringing him back. He tells Toff that his robots are his friends and that he’d quite like to introduce her to them. Across the room, Mark Francis says that his hair reminds him of Camilla Parker Bowles. Sorry, the Duchess of Cornwall.

Next week’s predictions: Rosie will need a coffee and send Tiff out for it; Emma will be stoned to death by everyone in the middle of Sloane Square; instead of Toff, Richard will show Steph his robot.

– A


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