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DISCLAIMER: This is so late because I left my notes on a desk in Hertfordshire all weekend and couldn’t be bothered to re-watch the show again because there’s only so much bickering at a dog show I can take.

This week, the candidates are told that they are to meet Lord S at Samuel Johnson’s house. The dumb guy whose name I can’t remember (and don’t need to remember seeing as he never does anything worth talking about anyway) says something about how they could actually mean Samuel L Jackson’s house. I shudder. So does Sam Curry (no relation to Edwina) who OF COURSE knows that Samuel Johnson is a poet because he’s educated and intelligent and just perfect.

Ruth is literally running around in some sort of camiknicker teddy, bantering with Charleine who then calls her “babygirl”. That’s just all kinds of wrong. But Ruth’s still amazing.

APPRENTICE 4

The task is to sell pet accessories at an animal show in London. Obviously. Why else would you meet at the home of the original writer of the Dictionary of the English Language?

Like a mass-breeder of guinea pigs, Lord S intersexes the teams once more. Scott heads up one team, David the other. Each team is split into two, one half looking at large items to sell, the other looking at smaller items. David wants his team to sell T-Shirts with giant hamster faces on them, which seems like a really shit idea basically. The rest of the team are talking to a woman who sells thatched-roof hen houses. She is dressed like a politicians wife and looks like a bitch.

Sam meets the owner of a luxury dog sofa company and it goes like this:

Sam: “Hi I’m Sam, nice to meet you Seldon. Solden?”

Seldon: “Seldon!”

Sam: “Seldon!”

I can personally confirm that it’s Seldon because he actually emailed me this week due to this.

April says this: “My first dog was a dachshund; her name was Anastasia Edwina Jackson.”  Good for you April! Why don’t you go and hang out with the thatched chicken bitch.

APPRENTICE 1

Ruth is advising everyone on the technique of selling and performs a skit where she catches an imaginary person’s eye and says “morning!” She then says a really disturbing sentence about building something up and being explosive, which literally makes no sense but who cares she’s Ruth.

The pet show opens to the public and there’s an announcer on the tannoy like the man and woman at the beginning of Airplane. 

Ruth gets going with the building and exploding. Someone tells her they have three cats so she shakes their hand. Richard sells something and says to the buyer “oh Beverley, you’re making my day!”

Someone’s let Brett put a headset microphone on and he’s addressing the crowds like he’s a whale tamer at Seaworld.

APPRENTICE 5

The animal shaped balloons are flying off the shelves although a small Chinese child is crying and trying to kick one of them. It’s basically chaos. Chaos with balloons, giant rabbits on T-shirts and cats on leads. If I took my cat on a lead to that event someone in there would die.

Anyway, T-shirts aside, David’s team wins the task and is sent off to run around with Mo Farrah where Joseph is seen thrusting against a support rail and Sam wears a sleeveless top.

Firing prediction: Selina. It has to be. Surely.

Scott brings Ruth and Selina back to the boardroom where basically Claude tells Selina what he thinks of her. Careful Claude, she’ll be on to the Daily Mail. Karren’s got the claws out big time and tells Lord S that she wouldn’t go into business with any of them. Ruth’s ranting. Selina is two-faced. Scott tries to placate the whole thing like a big old placater.

APPRENTICE 3

But RUTH is fired! RUTH!?!?!? I wanted her to win, damn you! Damn you to Hell Lord Sugar. Ruth, come and work for me any day – and bring your camiknicker teddy.

Back at the house, Selina is all “no more Miss Nice Girl” as if she has actually already been Miss Nice Girl.

– A

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