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So Spenny’s a gymnast these days.

He’s doing the horse and everything. After a couple of jaunty flourishes mid-air, he backflips his way into a pile of foam. Sam’s there, sulking about Tiff. He ridicules the faceless entity that is Tiff’s Hong Kong lover. He speculates that this featureless man is most probably a posh twat called Percy. This belittlement would be justified if Sam didn’t follow it up with two of the poshest sentences ever uttered:

“I’m sitting there, wooing Mr. Watto” (AKA Clive) & “I’ve been in Hong Kong macking on with Perce.”

Mytton tells Jess that she’s playing Jamie like a fiddle and it needs to stop. He also warns her that if she carries on like this she’ll loose all of Jamie’s friends too. Panic flashes across her face at the prospect of not having a storyline.

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Who the HELL is THIS? Tallulah, that’s who. At first I think it’s Steph – she’s blonde, she’s American, she’s bitterly shopping for the engagement ring she’ll seemingly never have. But hark, it’s some new bird who seems to be nursing the heart of a broken betrothal. I do feel a bit like I dreamt this scene though as she doesn’t appear any more in the episode. She’s old friends with Victoria, so Mark Francis jumps at the chance to ask if Victoria has changed much since she “was an infant in the cradle.”

Jess is 21 which means she can drink in America now and doesn’t have to go bowling instead. Millie’s back (oh great) and Jamie’s boycotting the event out of protest. Lucy begins “operation spin Tiff’s cheating around so that Sam takes the blame for it”. You can tell she’s loving the dramatic potential because she’s using phrases like “Sam will take this to the grave” as if they’re all in I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Jamie calls Jess from Ibiza, where he’s supposed to be giving her space. He instead invites her out to join him and Emily, who is perched on a rock in the backdrop with her legs positioned as if she were a bare-breasted mermaid.

MERMAID

Steph bumps into JP and Harney, whose eyes have drifted further away from each other since last week. Steph is shopping for stuff for her new flat (which doesn’t make sense as she’s brandishing Chanel bags not bags from, say, Habitat). Harney is all “oh, yah, I’d be a really great handyman, I can screw just about anything”. Since last week he has developed a bit of a cock(iness). He asks Steph to pop it (her number) in there (his phone). I don’t like him, giant arms or no.

Jess (and loads of other people) arrive in Ibiza at Emily’s villa. Is that really your villa Emily, or is it one the producers have rented and are saying it’s yours because you’re not in the show much and need to be reaffirmed as someone with monetary power? Jamie and Jess greet each other and then start bickering already. Lucy declares to them all that she has heard rumblings about Sam’s penal indiscretions.

Ollie gets his hair re-dyed after Binky did an inadequate job. While the dye sets, he calls JP. He lets his phone touch the dye, which really upsets me to be honest. Look after your things Ollie! JP is wary of the phone call but Ollie asserts that he simply wishes to have some man-on-man action. He actually means man-to-man. #freudianslip

OLLIE

Over in Ibiza, Wheeze is all “it’s great to be away” despite the fact that they were in LA five minutes ago and that she doesn’t have a job. Lucy asks Sam if he’s being an enormous hypocrite and if he actually cheated on Tiff. She is referring to the photo that was taken of him on a sofa in a nightclub with a girl straddling him. Course he wasn’t cheating on Tiff, he asserts. Lucy tells him not to play the victim and he tells her he’s not scared of her (or her father AKA Clive).

Ollie tells JP to get his act together RE: Binky. This doesn’t really help and if anything makes matters worse.

There’s a lovely old-school breakfast taking place with Spenny, Rosie, Ollie and Binky. It’s just warming my cockles, it really is. Until Spenny asks Binky if JP has got “a beast”.

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Harney phones Steph and asks her out – to play tennis. What a shit first date. Steph agrees with me. The tennis date happens which basically involves Harney trying to assert his physical prowess. This is why boys seem to think that sport dates are appropriate but actually girls would rather throw on a short skirt and let you feel them up in the cab on the way home from Annabel’s. Lucy and James disclose, during the tennis match, that they time each other in the shower. I bet that’s not all they time. Harney tells Steph he’d be happy to clean out her pipes, upgrading the date from shit to hideous.

Jess and Jamie have yet another talk about their ridiculous joke of a romance. Jamie informs her that he needs “some sort of a climax” which gives us an unwanted insight into their prior sexual encounters. Jess then says that they’re not sexually compatible, which she screams into the swimming pool water as if she were pleading to Poseidon himself for guidance. Jamie is “done”. (let’s fact it, he’s not)

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Tiff and Sam have it out. Sam can’t forgive her. Her mascara runs. I realise that I can count my back teeth with my tongue.

 Next week’s predictions: Richard’s back. Please God let him bring Kimberly Garner with him!!!!!!

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