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We open the episode with the candidates having recreational time. Y’know, stuff like playing Mario Cart and blending concentrated kale. Joseph’s rec clothing involves trouser braces.

Before we know it they’re all suddenly off to Dover, with nothing but an overnight bag and a smile. Elle doesn’t know which coast Dover is on. Where do you think Elle? Malaga? Northern Circars? The Bay of ruddy Bengal? This comment doesn’t help her case when it comes to deciding on project manager, after the teams are told they’ll be split up, half sent to France, half staying put. The girls don’t want Elle (nor her geographical ignorance) so they choose Vana. Vana does a vox-pop and says something like “I’m going to be great because what goes around comes around.” What are you on about Vana? This is only episode 3. You’ve not been there long enough for anything to go around anywhere, let alone come around. Except perhaps Joseph’s roving eye.

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Speaking of him, Joseph becomes the opposing PM, stating that the girls are a threat because they’ll win over all the “old French men” (which of course are the only known type of person in France to own businesses)

Catty Vana instructs her team not to get catty.

Sam Curry (no relation to the chain of home appliance stores) has an A Level in French and so gets on the blower (and the phone) to set up an appointment to obtain a mirror (which is one of the things on the list of items they all need to get for this week’s task). He doesn’t listen to the woman on the phone who says she’ll have to order said mirror which will take about 17 weeks to arrive, and instead takes the boys to the shop only to be told by the owner that looks like Sheila Hancock that they don’t have the mirror in stock.

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Meanwhile, in a French hotel lobby, the girls are getting their tits and teeth out for a perverted French wine glass seller who practically gives away a load of crystal champagne flutes to them.

Back in England, the English sub-teams have really drawn the shitty end of the stick – literally. One of the items to obtain is a load of manure. So while the French teams get to run around Calais in the sunshine, the UK-based men roll their trousers up and the women try not to fall face-first into the shit in their heels.

Back in France, Sam has ruined everything again when the men arrive at a champagne flute seller’s shop only to find the owner is on an 8 hour lunch break. They all cry about it outside, but can they not just go to another shop? Or is that the only glass merchant in Calais?

For use in UK, Ireland or Benelux countries only Undated BBC handout photo of Richard Woods in a cheese shop as candidates take on their latest task in The Apprentice. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Issue date: Wednesday October 21, 2015. See PA story SHOWBIZ Apprentice. Photo credit should read: BBC/PA Wire NOTE TO EDITORS: Not for use more than 21 days after issue. You may use this picture without charge only for the purpose of publicising or reporting on current BBC programming, personnel or other BBC output or activity within 21 days of issue. Any use after that time MUST be cleared through BBC Picture Publicity. Please credit the image to the BBC and any named photographer or independent programme maker, as described in the caption.

The glamour continues in Dover, where the teams are buying anchors. Anchors are only apparently 12 quid! Who knew?

Meanwhile, outside the glass shop, Sam is just about to throw a brick through the window when the shopkeeper comes back from lunch. The boys all basically back this poor man into a corner and all talk at him at once. Joseph asks for 7 flutes but holds up 8 fingers, like the idiot that he is.

Vana’s delusions of grandeur are on red alert. She is sitting in the car, holds out her hand and just says “pen”. She is a prize bitch to Selina for literally no reason and has a face like a slapped arse.

Unfolding in Dover is the saga of Elle and the boat (which sounds like it could be the title of a children’s book about mermaids). She basically can’t decide whether or not to splash 250 large on an inflatable dinghy. This decision-making process pretty much lasts the duration of the whole episode.

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In France its all a bit Challenge Anika. Joseph hates Richard due to his over-cockiness about winning last week. Selina secures a deal on snails by telling the seller that her entire family have been murdered (or something). Then there’s a rush to get back onto the ferry in time – which sadly they do.

My prediction for the firing is Vana. She’s shit and she’s a bitch. 

Lord S in on fire in the boardroom. Referring to the saga of the dinghy, he’s all “did you get a loyalty card for that shop?” lolz.

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Anyway the girls loose under the disgraceful guidance of Vana. Charlieine calls Selina a wasp, despite the fact that she is actually more waspish herself than Selina. That’s a fact. Vana chooses to bring Elle and Jenny back into the boardroom – Jenny because she mentioned during the task that her father collects antiques.

This admission is ultimately the beginning of the end for Jenny, who then gets fired. You can thank your father and his collection of Elizabethan dolls for that Jenny. She then delivers a monologue to Lord Sugar before declaring in the cab on the way out that in years to come he’ll be knocking on her door. Bless.

– A

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