What better way to see in the new season of MIC than a really dangerous opening scene where Spenny pretty much drives Lucy off the road in a couple of vintage cars? Happy Hanukkah!
Rosie skipped LA to get her eyes re-widened so its nice to see her back. She, Wheeze and Steph have a chat about the untimely demise of Steph and Josh. Apparently Steph is over it and “back on the coloured drinks again.” (drugs?)
There is a noticeable hole in the shape of Lauren. She wasn’t in the passenger seat next to Spenny in his Victorian car, unless of course she was leant over his lap while he drove (looking for her contact lens). The boys play croquet and wave around their phallic mallets. Mytton asks Spenny whether he has painted over Lauren’s crack.
Ollie’s back on girls. And foundation. Ollie we don’t want you with a girl. Don’t you remember the Chloe Green fiasco? We don’t care if she could get you free shoes.
Jamie bumps into someone called HARNEY!!!?? Who the HELL are you, Harney??? He has the arms of a Greek javelin thrower but the head of a 6-year-old child.
Lucy is dressed like the step-mother from the Disney version of Cinderella. It’s all in the high laced collar.
Jamie and Jess had sex and everyone doesn’t care. Why? Because this little game of swings and roundabouts is boring. Jamie, why can’t you go back to being a heartless love rat, it’s so much more fun for us. To add insult to injury, Jess has still got that nose ring, as if she were a bull marked for branding. Apparently, during the blonde blonde sex, they laughed a lot and Jess instructed Jamie not to look at her. “That’s not right,” says Wise Mother Toff.
Wheeze is wearing a shirt that says “bitches” on it. Sam’s wearing a shirt that’s open, whilst ironing. He has actually got a good body for a small small boy. But do your shirt up when you speak to your sister Sam. Why must the Thompsons conduct these inappropriate interchanges.
There’s a dinner happening and Spenny is just poetically inappropriate, first declaring that he’s kissed everyone at the table, then asking Ollie why the frick he won’t just date a man, then telling everyone that Jamie and Jess had non-looking-at-each-other sex.
James and Sam are meeting Lucy and Tiff’s dad – on their own! What planet are we living on where we have to meet the in-laws without the person we are sleeping with in attendance. Also, Mr Watson is the sort that says “steady on”.
At the gym, the boys have arms.
Tiff shows Steph some photos of Sam sprawled over someone in a Taiwanese nightclub. Steph asks why she isn’t more devastated, but Tiff met some bankers over the summer and feels guilty (she asked them to look over her tax return).
On a roof somewhere, Irish Nicola is back, teeth whiter than ever. Harney is there and approaches Jess and pretends he doesn’t know who she is. He’s been to Kenya – twice. Alright Harney, cool your jets. He then announces that he wants a girl with “a good set” for some fun. He’d do well on Grindr.
JP and Binky converse for the first time since LA. JP apologizes to Binky but then ultimately confirms that he still doesn’t want to date her, consequently devastating her all over again.
Tiff comes over and cries to Lucy about the banker situation. Lucy makes her go and tell Sam about it. I think Sam’s had some work done over the summer. We know what you did last summer, Sam. Tiff tells him that she looked at a banker once and he flies off the handle. Excuse me Sam but just five minutes ago there was a photo being brandished around of you face-down in the lap of a Lebanese whore. So don’t play that card.
The bells then begin to chime signalling the death of another Chelsea pairing and beckoning Tiff towards a life as a prioress.
Next week’s predictions: Sam will be back to the Harley St Clinic to sort out his newly formed stress lines; Jess and Jamie will continue to dance The Tedious Fandango; Ollie will try out Max Factor’s new Kate Moss range.