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Thursday’s post upset ex-podium dancer Selina, who had this to say to me:

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Now… I have re-read the piece and the trusty WordPress spellcheck did indeed let me down on the spelling of “finally” (since corrected) but other than that I was good. So perhaps she is an “ex” editor as she believed other rightly spelled words to be mis-spelled. Maybe this is why she turned to exotic dance. According to the papers today, she is now worried that her background is going to land her in an Arabian prison. I can only assume that’s because she signs tweets off with a pair of lipsticked lips.

I wish you the best Selina. And do send me an embossed letter detailing the facts that were not checked in my last article.

Sam Curry (no relation to Sam Pepper) hopes that this week’s task will involve directing a theatre show and selling tickets, confirming a fact about him that I was praying to be true. But far from it Sam Curry – you will be marketing cactus blended shampoo.

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Lord Sugar reinstates sexism and separates the boys against the girls once more (as God intended it). Scott suggests they name their product Million Dollar Hair because they’re all quite feminine (his words) and the thick Italian one wants to base the brand around “someone who has a similar haircut and face to me”. Obvs, this is brushed aside much like an unacknowledged fart.

Both teams choose the theme of a desert (sand not pudding), with the boys’ logo slightly resembling a penis and the girls’ logo not being anything cactus or desert related at all. Aisha is in charge and she’s shit. Her team’s brand is aimed at the “Grey Pound” market – a term I have never before heard. I think this sounds like it’s the name of an era of economic downturn in history. The girls choose women who look about 23 to advertise the senior hair product, and so Ruth steps in and stars in the virtual billboard ad.

Literally – Ruth to win! I love this woman. And the way she spins and goes “shhhh” to the camera in the ad is so incredibly sinister that I could just kiss her there and then.

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The boys get their male model to stand in a bin and pour a watering can of water over him.

Then they shoot the ad.

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While the girls’ billboard ad is amazing given that it stars Ruth, their TV ad is shit. Aisha declares that “no one can argue with a mother/daughter relationship” (no one except a mother and daughter) and so uses this dynamic as the basis of her advert. Sadly, it all comes across a bit wrong given that it features two women both coming out of the shower wearing towels with one of them saying to the other “thanks for the massage Mum”.

Natalie does the pitch and opens with this sentence:

“We’ve got a secret to share with you all today. A secret from the desert. Desert Secret.”

Yeah.

Meanwhile, Scott does the other team’s pitch, and opens with this sentence:

“More now than ever before is the men spending time and money on their appearance.”

These people should be shot.

***I’m going to do a new thing each week where at this point I will predict who gets fired based on the task. I am writing this down before watching the end of the episode and I am saying Aisha. It’s partly because she’s awful and partly because she purses her lips far too much***

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In the boardroom, Lord S tells Ruth that she looks like a rotating kebab in her ad, which might be true, but who cares, she’s amazing. Aisha insists that the whole Desert Secret concept was valid because deserts are mysterious. “You know, like Lawrence of Arabia,” she says. This is only one of the contributing factors why her team looses and the boys are sent off to do some anti-gravity yoga.

Aisha hammers the final nail in the coffin of her Apprentice career by asking that Natalie doesn’t touch her. Lord S fires her and she says “thank you Lord Sugar” in a weird American accent.

– A

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