Well it’s back, and this year it’s outdone itself in the twat stakes.

Season 11 kicks right off with those infamous shots of people in suits marching through Kings Cross St Pancras (even though they live in Peckham) peppered with soundbites from the new batch of contestants.

It’s the same old chat – such as “I want the cars, the women and the power” (because Lord S is famous for all those women); or “I’m a Swiss army knife of business” (so five parts useful, fifteen parts only useful if caught in an avalanche?); or “I’m disgustingly ambitious” (or are you simply disgusting?); then there’s the woman who “wakes up with a chemical surge of power in the morning to become a global phenomenon” (despite only actually saying one sentence during the rest of the episode); there are two wannabe Anglo-Italians, who of whom states that he’s “going to be richer than Lord Sugar, and he needs to realise that” (which is always the way to encourage someone to give you his money).

Finally there’s Sue Pollard in a pink tartan wool suit.

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So that’s that bit out of the way. Except from one other who claims that he’ll wait until the boardroom and then pounce (he’s the one that gets fired).

Nick’s off in Leeds doing Countdown now, so they unveil that horrid Claude bloke as the new aide, who is usually to be seen ripping apart the business plans in the penultimate episode of the season. The candidates are all a little bit sick in their mouths at this news.

Karren is now Baroness (Thatcher).

Lord S declares that if he wanted to be loved, he’d be on Tinder (he obviously has never actually been on Tinder because it ain’t about love Alan).

There’s a bit of idle chat at the expense of the candidates, namely a man whose name I didn’t write down and can’t be bothered to Google, who has used metaphors in his application about mountains and summits. Ironically, this is the same one who said he was a Swiss army knife. Everyone laughs in his face.

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We learn that Joseph was expelled from school at age 14 (no-one gasps) and that Selena used to be podium dancer (no-one gasps). She is quick to point out that there’s a difference between pole and podium dancers (yeah, one is full-frontal and the other one has a pole in the way).

The task has them designing fish dishes to sell on street corners. Brett is an ex-Navy misogynist and claims that the women won’t be able to hack touching fish which makes him sound like a bitter old fish wife which is what we call irony.

Team names are decided: Versatile and something like Connectus or Invictus or Connect4 or Only Connect or Fifteen To One. Selena the pole dancer is allocated as PM because she is intolerant to a load of food. April from Jamaica is PM on the other team because she is taller and prettier than the average person.

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Off they’re all sent to Billingsgate at 2am to purchase some cheap rancid squid and unsalted cod substitute. Then its to the kitchen to make the dishes semi-edible. Versatile do a bit of a bish, bash, bosh job and are off selling lunch at lunchtime. April on the other hand spends a load of time telling people off for “standing there with your hand on your elbow” and so they miss the lunch rush and attempt to make up for it by charging people 900 pence for a soggy tuna salad.

Claude’s a bit shit actually. He’s being really quiet and not at all intimidating and no-one seems to care that he’s there, despite someone earlier claiming that when he looks at you it feels like he’s going to melt your face off.

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Dan is the sort of weedy pathetic type and runs around trying to sell salad  which is ironic given that he has the persona of a bit of floppy lettuce.

Then one of the girls utters the phrase we have all been waiting for: “can I interest you in a taste of my fish?”

Boardrooooooooooom. The one who is allegedly going to be richer one day than Lord Sugar starts rambling about how he was really disappointed with everyone else, but then it comes out that he tried to sell fish to a vegan.

But its the opposing team that loose, making only about a pound’s worth of profit.

April brings back in salady Dan and Brett who tries to defend himself by uttering the following sentence:

“Lord Sugar I can honesty tell you that I generally categorically did not stipulate with any other specification than that recipe and the way it was put together.”

10 points if you can work that sentence out. Karren can’t, which is why she’s all “Brett, you can’t bullshit in here.” Snap!

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Dan asks that he be saved from termination because he is “good at addition and mathematics” and that during the task he “sliced the olives and tomatoes and was doing the pans”.

He’s fired. Be gone, lettuce boy.

– A


2 thoughts on “The Appren-tice S11 E1: “Can I throw my thought into the thought pond?”

  1. Pingback: The Apprentice S11 E2: “What about ‘Manly Moist’?” | Drew Drawls…

  2. Pingback: The Apprentice S11 E2: “What about ‘Manly Moist’?” | Drew Drawls…

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